Poof's World of Spam

Handi-woman

2006-08-23T11:11:00.000-07:00

So I was on the light rail this morning making my way into work. There I sat, prim and proper in my new suit jacket, sleek black pants, my ‘look-at-me-don’t-I-look-smart’ glasses, and jamming out to my portable CD player. Yes, a CD walkman. I may be able to get a new car but God forbid I come into the 21st century and buy an MP3 player. Anyway...

At the next stop a blind man with his human guide and seeing-eye dog got on and sat in the seat across the aisle from me. (I had to use all my might to not reach out and squeeze the dog’s jowls and talk baby talk to it.) The stop after that a woman got on and sat facing me in my little seating area. Next thing I know she starts ‘talking’ to me in sign language, but still speaking the words. Not hearing her the first time, I popped out my ear phone and said, “I’m sorry, what was that?” while smiling. She said, “OH” a little shocked, fumbled a second, and repeated without sign language, “your hair looks cute.” I smiled and said ‘thank you,’ popped my ear phone back in and made my way on to work.

It wasn’t until I got off later that I realized I was sitting in the handicapped seat and the woman thought that I, along with my blind friend next to me, were headed off to handicapped school together. Yeah, I’m a jackass.

And here I was thinking how lucky I was that nobody was sitting in that seat.

In preparation of Sep. 9th

2006-08-14T13:05:00.000-07:00

(The noisemaker and party hat are in honor of my upcoming birthday...)

Who wouldn't like 'em?!

2006-08-01T15:27:00.000-07:00

Yet another reason to love the Broncos.

The Latest Bronco's Deceiver

2006-07-26T13:37:00.000-07:00

DRAFTED!

2006-07-20T06:29:00.000-07:00

'Tis the Season...

2006-07-18T09:48:00.000-07:00

...for camping and frolicking in the meadows with small furry woodland creatures.

The HIIIILLLLLSSSS are alive....

2006-07-17T18:02:00.000-07:00

What a perfect weekend to go camping. We headed west right after work on Friday to miss the weekend's record high temps. We headed up towards Kenosha Pass but ended up turning off on a county road and 4-wheeled it around the maze of rocky dirt roads. We found the perfect camping spot with no one around within half a mile. There were a few ATV-ers and when they weren't cruising or shooting their shot guns, it was quite relaxing.
The photo above is Gabe galloping down the mountain above timberline at the top of Boreas Pass. We made it to the top and let me tell ya, my bum is sore from the steep climb! Anywho, my battery is about to die on the laptop, so I'll add more later.

Got that World Cup Fever?

2006-07-07T13:48:00.000-07:00

Cause France does!

A fever so bad it's making lasers shoot from this dude's eyes! "Bring out da LAY-SAH!"

Ode to the Flying Y

2006-07-07T12:51:00.000-07:00

Warning

2006-07-07T09:25:00.000-07:00

A word to the wise, don't piss me off.

Monkey Mystery Code Cracked

2006-06-30T07:27:00.000-07:00

Last week's apparent kidnapping and ransom demand was an apparent hoax to shake down the monkeys' owners for payment, requested in unmarked Chiquita bananas by the bushel.

"I can't believe they would do such a thing," exclamed Sasha Laine,* gazing vacantly off into the distance. "I mean, they know we only buy organic Dole produce."

The monkeys, Clyde and Bonzai, have been detained by animal control and are being held at an undisclosed location. Both were found sipping banana daquiris by the clubhouse pool a mere 100 yards down the street from where the alleged kidnapping took place. Both have previous arrest warrants in New York's FAO Shwartz and Los Angeles' Toy R' Us for lude monkey business and alleged horse play.

*Name changed to protect identity. Actually, she was incredibly embarassed that monkeys could fool her obviously stronger mental stability.

Da Monkey Code

2006-06-26T08:20:00.000-07:00

A horrible scene unfolded last Thursday night and it was caught on tape. Here are just a few snippets of the security film. After the pictures were posted on the internet, the ransom demand was sent out and the monkeys in question are now missing.

The perpetrator, seen here blue handed and known simply as "Clyde," is notoriously rambunctuous in nature and embarrassed by the fact that even though he is an orangutan, he has a tail. It appears jealousy got the best of him when he captured the unsuspecting, anatomically correct Bonzai and knocked him out cold long enough to tape him up and take pictures.

If you have any information, please send your replies.

More Fun

2006-06-22T10:49:00.000-07:00

Got some more pics of, you guessed it, the pups and such.

Tuckered little tiger!

Love me?

Love beer?

The shocker. Famous last words: "Why would you DO that?! That's, like, an instant deal breaker!" Preach on Brutha.

Don't get any ideas there darlin.' See that tattoo I just got? That's right: Exit Only.

Awwww, the whole fam.

Needs no introduction.

Been a While Crocodile

2006-06-14T15:27:00.000-07:00

Big brother was in town so I've been a little preoccupied. Here are some pics from the recent couple weeks.

Snuggles

No pictures please.

Grog like metal

We rock (you can't tell, but we're sporting our favorite band t-shirts)

What's that smell?

Hungry?

What's that smell?

Thought bubble above his head: "You idiot."

Snow's Over

2006-05-26T08:13:00.000-07:00

In honor of today's abnormal 90+ degree day, please enjoy the following:

My New Car

2006-05-26T08:02:00.000-07:00

Another Semi-Final Sucker

2006-05-12T08:02:00.000-07:00

Well, Colorado managed to do it again. They pulled a "Broncos" and gave up the win in the semi-finals. Come on boys, when are you going to follow it through to the end?! Ah, but silly me. I forgot you are only men.

I couldn't help but toss in a picture of Av's head coach Joel Quenneville pooping his pants. Where's that damn package of "Oops, I crapped my pants," I sent him?!

Oh Yeah?! Well Up Your Two Hole!

2006-05-10T08:05:00.000-07:00

At least they scored, right? RIGHT?! What a sloppy goal right through Jose's five-hole. It was slow-motion calamity that ended my run of "My-team-always-wins-when-I-go-to-their-game" victories. As disgustingly sloppy as it was, we have to remember that's how we were able to win Round 1, a goal made off of our opponent's skate into his own net. I guess all's fair in love and war.

I want Duck Soup!!!

2006-05-08T14:39:00.000-07:00

A picture speaks a thousand words. This had better not be the same picture I see at games 3 and 4 Tuesday and Thursday here. Momma don't wanna be mad.

This Week's Dose of Cuteness (Addition)

2006-05-05T10:41:00.000-07:00

A Potpourri Of Sorts

2006-05-03T09:33:00.000-07:00

I had the strangest dreams last night and upon awakening it left me flabbergasted. Now, I've always felt that dreams tell us something that our subconscious is thinking. Like dreams of flying generally mean you're happy and worry-free. Dreams of falling generally mean you feel you're no longer in control of your life. Or if you're my mother (aka: 'Medium') you dream what will happen. Don't even get me started about the red bi-plane in Broomfield story, or the flat tire on I-25 nightmare.

I woke up this morning completely weirded out by my dreams. Now, it might have the teensiest bit to do with the fact I may be over-dosing on Benedryl, but MAN, I still can't shake this feeling of "WTF?!?!" I'm going to have to let it sink in a little bit and to save the anonymity of those who actually read this, I'm not going to share too much. It took place at my old place of work at a restaurant and all the people who were there 3 years ago were present. I hadn't seen them in awhile because in my dream I was still me, the chick with a chic job downtown. There was a confrontation between me and another ex-Robiner and I was getting what basically felt like an interrogation about my 'new' life.

Ah HA! Epiphany time. It just hit me after writing this out that I seem to be questioning what I am doing now, since it is 180 degrees of my past. Looks like I'm unsure about it and having a hard time letting go of past experiences and people. Glad I figured that out. Now, what to do about it. Sit back, don't dwell, and don't obsess I guess. Still. Bizarre.

On to other random things, I heart my insurance. You've read my past rants on it before, but I got the great news today that my treatment will be covered 100% by my new insurance. Do you have any idea of what this MEANS?! I can actually afford to LIVE! Granted that saved money will go towards paying off the credit I've accumulated paying for medical expenses, but the way I figure it, in 10 years, I might actually be able to start SAVING money!!! Three cheers for my sweet job and mad bennies.

Another story worth mentioning: I got 4 tickets to the first two Avs home games in the semifinals. Who is jazzed? Annie's jazzed. It's a great day.

Oh, and the random picture at the top is me kissing a taxidermied polar bear in Chicago. Nothing out of the ordinary.

Let's Go Avs!!!

2006-05-01T07:18:00.000-07:00

I heart the Avs. Three out of four wins in overtime. We just like to make them sweat. Above is the winning goal by Brunette with less than 6 minutes to go in OT. Beautiful!

Awww... Poor wittle Modano skates away hanging his head in shame. His ass-whomping, head-crushing, almost-concussion was all for not.

Weekly Dose of Cuteness

2006-04-28T11:12:00.000-07:00

I have no idea who these little buggers are, or who they belong to, but I can't get over how freaking cute they are!

And this picture is just hilarious. PhotoShop is the greatest!

Off the Deep End

2006-04-19T19:38:00.000-07:00

It's official. She's crazy. My ex-roommate threatened my life. It makes me sick to my stomach to talk about, I thought blogging it would help, but frankly I still need to let it sink in a bit more. I've had people mad at me before, but never hold this much rage for so long. Needless to say, I changed the locks and she is now off the lease because I qualify on my own to live here. I have no idea how someone can be so disillusioned about life. Well, I have an idea, and it starts with a major chemical imbalance that needs large amounts of narcotics to tame.

I can't wait for Mar Mar to move back in. Our place is going to be delightful! Yes, I just used that antiquated word. The place is already looking great and even smells good! No more doggie smells or whiffs of Satan. The couch and entertainment center have been donated to the Salvation Army, so the place is twice as big! No biggie, I can often be found on the palette anyway. And now it's in front of a giant TV complete with Nintendo and Mario Kart. Life really is good. If I need to explain more on how life is good, simply see the blog below. :P

Bucka

2006-04-19T14:36:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I'm one lucky gal. :)

The Magic Eraser: so true.

2006-04-07T11:06:00.000-07:00

Don't worry, I will post some more photos from the weekend of debauchery and naked men.

But first I have to share the gloriousness that is Mr. Clean's Magic Eraser. It really is magic.

Let me preface the rest of this story with the fact I had to go on steroids for the second time this year already, and I can only compare it to methamphetamine. I'm so hopped up that my place is pretty much spotless now because I simply can't sit still. I figured what better time than now to get rid of the nasty, black, caked-on dirt that resides on the floor of my textured white, oversized bathtub. I tried soaking it in bleach for 30 minutes and it didn't even scratch the surface. So opened up the box containing Mr. Clean's heavy-duty Magic Eraser. Looking at the flimsy sponge-like contraption I thought to myself, 'this so is not going to work. I don't even have to wear gloves with this.' I ran it under the water, gave it a squeeze, and strained my back bending over the edge of the tub. To my surprise the dirt started rolling off like dead flakey skin after a sun burn. I seriously got so jazzed I cleaned my entire place top to bottom with that bad boy. I now have to wear sunglasses while showering my tub is so clean.

Now then, aren't you glad you stuck around long enough for that story? Go Mr. Clean, you are one sexy bitch. Oh how you inspire me. So much so I wrote a haiku. Wanna hear it? Here it goes.

Black dirt, soap scum stains.

Bald shiny head saves the day.

Mr. Clean, my love.

And now on to some fun pics. Enjoy!

More Vegas Pics

2006-04-07T10:50:00.000-07:00

And More Pics

2006-04-07T09:57:00.000-07:00

Even MORE pics!

2006-04-07T08:06:00.000-07:00

Vegas!!!

2006-04-04T08:59:00.000-07:00

Talk about pooped. Didn't get to bed until 1 am this morning and then I was up and at 'em at 6. OY. My eyes still haven't opened fully and I don't think they will until the month is over!!!

Top Ten Quotes I Overuse But Refuse to Stop Quoting

2006-03-31T09:53:00.000-07:00

Ah the joys of sicklihood. I've been home from work for almost the whole week. Normally I would enjoy the hometime, the palette (particularly with a certain chiseled German with a sexy 5-o'clock shadow. No, not David Hasselhoff, but good guess) and watching Law and Order on cable. But I actually want to work because I heart my job with a wooden spoon. They are so great in that my team actually cares about the people they work with and they forced me to stay home. Well, they probably don't want to get sick either, but hey. Besides, I'm headed to Vegas this weekend for a killer bachelorette party, so I need to rest up. The Thunder from Down Under awaits!!!!

Enough. I was thinking about how most of my vernacular is a good 60% quotes from movies, and seeing as how I've been out of the movie loop for well over 2 years now, they are old movies. Oldies but goodies of course. I thought about pulling a Jerry Seinfeld and throw out all my material and start from scratch. Use all new quotes and favorite sayings. But then I came back down to reality and decided why fix it if it ain't broke? Laziness is my word of the week. So here it is, in no particular order, my list of over-used but necessary quotes.

10. "HEY YOU GUYS!" from 'Goonies'
9. "I blow my nose at you," usually coupled with, "I fart in your general direction," yells the French knight atop the castle from 'Monty Python and the Holy Grail'
8. "I like it, A - LOT" a la Jim Carrey while confessing his love in 'Dumb and Dumber'
7. "Don't pretend you're not impressed" quoted Will Ferrell about his giant erection in Anchorman
6. "I don't know if you know this, but I'm kind of a big deal" again, Will Ferrell trying to get the lady at his house party in 'Anchorman'
5. "I'll sock you in the nose" says Jack Black in the record store in 'High Fidelity'
4. "I'm going to punch you in the ovaries" yup, Will Ferrell again from 'Anchorman'
3. "Friggin' IDIOT!" used repeatedly in 'Napoleon Dynamite'
2. "Smoking is bad for you OKAY?" quoth the King Prawn under his invisibility cloak in 'Muppets from Space'
1. "I'm sorry. No dude, I'm SORRY..." quoted Ed from 'Shaun of the Dead' after farting silently.

Holy Surreal Life

2006-03-19T21:18:00.000-07:00

Wow. Just wow. What a crazy month. I told Mar and Toe at New Years that 2006 was going to be the year of Annie (think George Costanza and the summer of George). All I can say is that boy was I right. I decided lucky isn't the word for it, and after some discussion, I was told it was karma. Never did I think things would be going so great and frankly it scares me. I'm so used to turmoil and craziness that I'm completely thrown off by the fact that things are going well. Granted my COBRA insurance hasn't kicked in for the month and my credit card is taking an ass whomping, it's just a little bump in the road because I will get reimbursed for all the doctor bills and my treatment. Hey, if there's anything having a disease or two has taught me, it's unsurmountable patience.

My new job is simply awesome. I started last Monday and I've already interviewed the Governor and found that I will be seeing Pres Clinton in Chicago in April! The team I work on is amazing. I wake up looking forward to going into work, despite the 40 minute commute. It's me and my direct boss that make up the marketing team for the economic development corporation, but everyone takes part in all aspects of the business. We all have the same sense of dry, crude humor which makes the days go by in a flash, which isn't necessarily a good thing because there are constantly things to do.

Weird to think that I've been on the same life plan since second grade, but damn I was a smart kid. I have that dream job I've wanted downtown and I've got myself one helluva boyfriend to boot. :) Yup, things are good.

Anyway, I'm sitting on my palette watching the 10 o'clock news talk about the 'big' March snowstorm. I don't think we're going to see that much, there's only two inches outside of my place. It's been raining and now it's freezing and starting to snow, so driving to work is going to suck more than a bag of vacuums. It's about 2 degrees in my apartment and my human blanket left. This laptop isn't keeping me very warm, frankly, so I'm going to hunker underneath my blankets here on the blanket dock. For your reading enjoyment, click on the title of this entry to read a fabulous article about what I like to term, my personal "Kiss of Death."

The Surreal Life

2006-03-06T10:11:00.000-07:00

Wow. This has been a crazy few weeks. Here is a summary:

I lost my job but not before I was called to interview for my dream job.

My roommate went off the deep end and hasn't spoken to me in over 2 weeks because I went out with two of her friends while she was at work. Hey, they called ME. I would be allowed to hang out with them if a certain dude of the two friends had a girlfriend, as long as it wasn't me. Yeah, whatever. Supposedly she is moving out this week, but we'll see. I still sleep with all doors and windows locked and a hammer under my pillow.

Went to a Coldplay concert and well, just call me Mrs. Robinson.

Had a few interviews, conquered the art of the interview, and got my dream job at the Metro Denver Chamber of Commerce in the Economic Development Corporation. I start Monday!

Started a secret society that meets in an undisclosed location (hint: involves a bar and 2 K9s)

By secret society I mean me and the two friends I so rudely hung out with.

Get to go on an official date with said individual from the secret society. Screw the (wo)Man that is keeping us down!!!

I'll be updating more often now that things are settling back down again. But things are on the up and up! Hooray!!!

Texting Tips

2006-02-10T09:10:00.000-07:00

So I've had it up to HERE (picture me standing on my toes with my arm straight up measuring an invisible giant) with random texting. Really, ex-boyfriend of over one and a half years, what do you expect me to reply when you state, "I'M THE SMARTEST MAN ALIVE (that can still walk and talk)."

I DON'T CARE.

If I cared, I wouldn't have deleted your name from my phone. It even took me a good 7 seconds to realize it was your number that invaded my phone. Was it a mistaken text? Possibly. But here is when YOUR responsibility kicks in to delete MY name from your phone. What's the point? You just want to drop a line and see if I bite, and it just so happens to be a few days before Valentine's day? Screw you. I'm dealing with enough difficulties such as breathing on a daily basis and waking up in the morning.

But here's where I kick myself. I still replied. And even worse, it was snotty. Well, snotty in my book at least. I hate it when people reply sarcastically to anything with the phrase, "NEAT!" And that's exactly what I did. I let you get to me. Dammit.

So, to anyone who needs help in the texting department, (and we all do, even those who refuse to text, you know who you are) click on the title above to read a short article for tips about texting. My favorite is to NOT drink and text. It only leads to bad news. Or naked pictures being sent to your grandparent's by mistake.

Me on Steroids

2006-02-06T11:31:00.000-07:00

For those of you who haven't known me for over 5 years, this picture is a good demonstration of how I look while on oral steroids. Not the Arnold-body-builder-goods-shrinking type of steroid, (I'm already buff as it is...) but the For-the-love-of-Nancy-please-kick-Annie's-adrenal-glands-into-working-so-she-can-breathe type steroids. So, in case you run into a 5-foot-2-inch version of a chipmunk, don't be scared. It's only wheezy 'lil me. And to think, I'm still single.

T-Minus 12 Days, and Counting...

2006-02-02T09:26:00.000-07:00

That's right friends, 12 days until 'Singles Awareness Day,' also referred to as, "Valentine's Day" by those who are in loving relationships.

One consolation I have is knowing that this supposed 'Saint' Valentine died after being beaten and beheaded. Good show! I thought in honor of this joyous occasion I would give you readers a list of 13 songs to enjoy each day of this countdown. I meant to write it yesterday, with 13 unlucky days left, but I got caught up watching Law and Order. You know how it goes.

Now, I could put the obvious songs on here, you know, the stalker-esque songs like 'Crash,' by Dave Matthews Band, or "With or Without You," by U2. But that's just sad and only for the border-line suicidal. So, go find these angst-filled, self empowering, anger-management songs and it is guaranteed to boost your self-esteem as each day draws to a close and ever closer to V-Day. Enjoy.

And I hope your VD is a painless one.

Anxiety, by Black Eyed Peas and Papa Roach
Du Hast, by Rammstein
Less Talk, More Action, by Tim Deluxe
Rose Rouge, by St. Germain
Comfortably Numb, by Pink Floyd
Get UR Freak On, by Missy Elliott
Gone, by Kelly Clarkson (that's right, as in the American Idol)
Because I Got It Like That, by the Jungle Brothers
Outsider, by the Ramones
All Alone, by the Gorillaz
Where Do I Begin, by The Chemical Brothers
Kashmir, by Led Zepplin
The Mountains Win Again, Blues Traveler (I saved this one for last because, as per usual, come Valentine's, the mountains always win.)

Lesson of the Day: Do not jump on elevators.

2006-01-30T10:01:00.000-07:00

We learned this the hard way on Saturday night in a friend's loft. We were headed up to the 13th floor (maybe that was a sign in itself?) and in Tony's excitement, he started doing a happy little jig. The elevator began shaking profusely and swaying back and forth, making me a little ill to say the least. Next thing we know it just stops. But Tony continues dancing. A little electronic woman's voice kept repeating, "Stop button has been pushed." Where the hell's the GO button?!?! Tony tried pushing all the buttons and hitting the alarm button. After threatening him with punching him in the nuts, and Mar holding his arms at his side, he calmed down enough so I could push the call button which eventually got me through to the front desk guy. The elevator showed we were stuck on the 4th floor, but in reality, when they were able to pry open the doors to let us out, we were stuck between the third and the fourth floor. I had to use my impressive gymnastics skills to get my vertically challenged self out of there. Once we got off the elevator, we get right back onto another one to go up the remaining 9 floors. Had I not been wearing heels, I probably would've preferred the stairs.

Lil' Alexia

2006-01-26T08:31:00.000-07:00

I've got some cute, cute, cute pics of my cute lil' cousin... CUTE!

Delta, delta, delta, can I help ya, help ya, help ya?

Mmmm... remote GOOOoooood.. A Homer Simpson in the making! Papa is so proud!

Detroit is for losers...

2006-01-24T16:43:00.000-07:00

Actually, Detroit is for the winners of last weekend's playoffs, but they are still jerks. Or, more precisely, superior football players. Yes, I said it. My beloved Broncos made one giant team effort to suck it up on the field of Mile High. It was so bad, I can't help but think there was a conspiracy theory in play here. I know that Pittsburgh paid Denver off so their beloved Bettis could finally get into a Super Bowl for what will most likely be his last game ever.

Blah blah blah. We've been there before too. Might I bring up a God-like (or if you are Nate or Toe, simply God Himself) creature John Elway. Not only did he win one Super Bowl for what was rumored to be his last season, but he came back again to do it a second time before actually throwing in the towel. (Not to be confused with the Terrible Towel. Speaking of the terrible towels, I hate them. I want to use every one of them as a diaper for babies with intestinal disorders. If only we could go back in time I'd make my parents use them on me. Ma and Pa, you understand what with using rubber gloves and all to change me.) Anyway, judging by the Bronco's performance, it's painfully obvious the players were paid to lose. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

On a much happier note, going to tailgate before the game was a great time. We hopped on the light rail and skipped our way to the dirt lot (and by dirt I mean snow) to join the boys who were actually lucky enough to get tickets to the game. I met a very handsome man who flew in all the way from South Carolina for the game. His aunt flew in from Reno and his brother flew in from Rancho Cucamonga too. What a group THAT was. I don't think any of them had brushed their teeth in about a year due to the caked-on tobacco that was covering each crooked tooth. Gotta love the real fans though. This gentleman shaved his chest except for below his belly button and the hair he left between his nipples in the shape of a bronco head. It looked more like a wolverine due to the fact the hair bleach 'didn't take' and he left his chest pubes the lovely dark curly color they naturally are.

The picture above, glorious as it is by itself, is made funnier by the fact it's my mom using my noggin' as the football in her Heisman Trophy pose.

Watching the game at my parent's house was a grand ole' time. After the game was getting too gut-wrenching to watch, we decided to put on our NFL approved Denver Broncos helmet and ran around the house making asses of ourselves.

Marlena, poor thing, has such a small head the helmet kept falling below her eyes. I was half expecting her to run around the living room, bumping into walls yelling, "Have you stheen my wee-nah?" Ok, so maybe it was the helmet that was too big. I'm the one with the freakishly large head and can manage to make the helmet fit. It's like an orange on a TOOTHpick. "HEED! PANTS!! NOW!!!" (random movie quote, only the quick witted and deftly cool with get that)

To make matters worse, our eyes have been consistently assaulted every time we drive up the street to my parents house. There is a house on the street that has had a blow up lawn ornament (lit from the inside to-boot) of a Steelers football player up since the beginning of the football season. After many tequila shots (yeah, I had a 4 week sabbatical from drinking, but I came back with a vengeance) and mango margaritas, Mar, Simon and I ran down the street, helmet and all, to take our aggressions out on the parachute player. People would slow down and watch the Chuck-Norris like attack on the unsuspecting team mate. Neighbors were coming out from their houses to see the commotion. Lucky for us, the Steeler fans actually went to the game and were not home to see the vicious attack. Sadly, I think the neighbors were coming out to make sure we didn't rip it to pieces (don't think it didn't cross my mind) or defile any other part of their property.

Either way, we felt vindicated and you can bet your bippies I will be printing out these pics and leaving them on their front door step.

A little more Broncomania for ya

2006-01-20T13:20:00.000-07:00

TGIF! I had to post this because it is too cute. I don't think I can tell which one is cuter! Broncos play this Sunday and we have home field advantage. We are 9 - 0 for home games, so let's all hope for 10 - 0 and then off to the Super Bowl in Detriot (of all places. YUCK)

Oh, and by the way, the Gov and Mayor declared today Orange Friday! Click on the pic to enlarge it!

The Elusive Life Path

2006-01-19T15:29:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I went to this website to find out my 'life path number' because what else am I going to do on a dull, snowy day like today? Here are my results:

Your Life Path Number is 3

Your purpose in life is to express your unique self.

You are a creative and artistic person with an interesting view on life.

Witty and outgoing, you enjoy sharing your crazy ideas with anyone who will listen.

A total social butterfly, you're the life of any party.

In love, you inspire and enchant your partner. You are often an object of fantasy and desire.

While you are very talented, you sometimes lack the ambition to put your talents in play.

And while your wit carries you a long way, you occasionally use it to mask your true feelings.

Your natural abilities can bring you all the success in the world ... if you let them

What Is Your Life Path Number?

Uber-fans

2006-01-18T10:05:00.000-07:00

Need I say more?

Big Head and the Broncos

2006-01-17T09:25:00.000-07:00

What a great weekend it was! Friday night was the BHTM concert at the Fox in Boulder. No opening act, just all Big Head, all night! (huh huh) Then it was back to the palace where we went directly to sleep because we're big dorks. We had to get enough sleep in preparation for the big game on Saturday!

We got motivated, went shopping for the latest in Broncos gear (and by latest I mean anything in a Boys size large. It's cheaper.) Then to the Blob for crafting supplies to make our sweet signs and a T-Shirt for Nate as my apology for destroying his personal property. (Even though everybody else was thinking it, I just followed through. Really, who puts up a 'W' sticker on their front door of their HOME?!) The shirt is pretty sweet though, if I must say so myself. There are pictures of it, I'm just waiting for Mar to send them. It says, 'I HEART BUSH' on the front, and on the back in red glitzy letters it says, 'GOD BLESS 'W.'' I took the 'M' in America and turned it upside down. I'm clever.

Our signs for the game were just as sweet. My sign said, 'I Love Rod' on the front, and on the back, "Sweet 16." Fans were eating it up in the stands. "Get her some Rod!" they would yell. No pun intended of course.... ;p Mar's sign said, "Rod: a quarterback's best friend," on the front and on the back, "Ring my Bell," for Tatem Bell. They all came in very handy. I was so excited to be at the stadium, I actually cried. Yes, I cried. I called up my brother in Canada so we could sing the national anthem, and that's when I started crying. How corny am I?! But seriously, it was a dream come true to go to the game, so who wouldn't cry?! And what a game it was. My voice has been hoarse for days now. I'm finally almost sounding normal today. My next sign: "I'm a Champ," because Champ is one sexy mo-fo. Of course, we already knew this, but his 100 yard end-zone interception run was the single most incredible play of the game. And he's dead sexy. Did I already mention that?

Here's some beautiful irony for you. Mar and I had to use the restroom and surprisingly, the lines for the Men's restrooms where out the doors. We got right in, no wait, and had our choice of stalls. As we were washing our hands we heard some talking at the end of the line of stalls. But it wasn't lady-like voices. No no, it was masculine, deep-voiced drunken babbling. I of course start talking to them, asking them if everything is ok, did they get lost, etc. Next thing I know, this dude walks out of the stall wearing none other than a PATRIOTS JERSEY!!!! Figures. It was time to throw down right then. Their rebuttal to our taunts? "This is east coast style, baby!" From that moment on, every Pat's fan I saw, I informed them the Women's restroom was on the left. BLASPHEMY!

Blues for Annie

2006-01-16T10:19:00.000-07:00

By Big Head Todd and the Monsters

Annie don’t you run away. I won’t leave you behind.
Just you wait one longer day.
Just you ease your mind.
Annie don’t you run away.

Annie don’t you cry. I won’t let you down.
I never meant to say good bye.
To this love I found.
Annie don’t you cry.

Said I’ve been gone for too long.
And I’ve been too far away.
It’ll seem like I’ve never gone.
Hey Annie. Don’t stop waiting.

Annie don’t you lose your heart. I won’t leave you behind.
I loved you from the start.
Just you ease your mind.
Annie. Don’t you lose your heart.

Hey Annie. Don’t stop waiting.

--------------------------------------------------

Apparently Annies around the world are all abouts the waiting...

--------------------------------------------------

Annie Waits

and so, Annie waits,
Annie waits, Annie waits
for a call from a friend
the same, it's the same,
why's it always the same?
Annie waits for the last time

the clock never stops,
never stops, never waits
she's growing old, it's getting late
and so he forgot,
he forgot, maybe not —
maybe he's been seriously hurt
would that be worse?

headlights crest the hill
shadows pass her by and out of sight
Annie sees in dreams:
Friday bingo, pigeons in the park

Annie waits for the last time
just the same as the last time

Annie says, "You see?
this is why I'd rather be alone."

and so, Annie waits,
Annie waits, Annie waits
for a call from a friend
the same, it's the same,
why's it always the same?
Annie waits as the last...

headlights crest the hill
who will be the one forever more
Annie, I could be
if we're both still lonely when we're old

Annie waits for the last time
just the same as the last time
Annie waits for the last time
just the same as the last time

Annie waits, but not for me

-Ben Folds

I Love Rod.

2006-01-13T09:43:00.000-07:00

Need I say more? Keep an eye out for me and Mar on ESPN Sportscenter and the local news. We may very well get arrested for running onto the field just to grab Rod's bum. Really, who could blame us?

But seriously, we'll be loud in the crowd sporting the blue and orange Saturday night!!!! The weather is holding out for us too.... 69 (huh huh) degrees is the projected high tomorrow.

Hot damn and hallelujah, it's a great day for football!

I did it

2006-01-11T15:29:00.000-07:00

I did it. I applied to go back to school. Now it's just a matter of financial aid. Come on baby, big money, big money, big money! If I can get enough funding to cover it, I'm starting in the summer. What would I be doing? Getting my graduate degree? NOPE. I'm starting over to get my BFA in Art Education. I would get to do art all day, play with kids and craft, AND GET PAID FOR IT. Why was I always so deadset on NOT majoring in Art in college? Because I always told myself, "I never want to major in art because all you can really do with that degree is teach. Very few move on from there." Obviously I'm not smart, but hopefully a second go at Kolledge will help that.

A Few Pics I Wrangled

2006-01-07T19:05:00.000-07:00

How scary is this picture of Marley?! She is seriously a cute dog but apparently needs an exorcism. Anybody out there that can help?

Santa didn't deliver my digital camera this year, so I'm still stuck with waiting for everyone else to upload their pics to my lame-stuck-in-the-old-ages-with-a-regular-35mm ass. I was able to scrounge up these pics from other blogs though. You know who you are, thanks!

If I haven't said it before, but I think I have, this was the greatest Christmas and New Years EVER (except for my bro not being here). New Years we went up to Patch's cabin and it was FABULOUS except for the fact I was sick. I went to bed at 11, but thankfully Patch and Benji woke me up in time for the ball drop (huh huh) and then it was straight back to bed. It was a great group to hang out with, we all just chilled, played cards, had a delicious lasagna dinner, and I crafted. Nothing can be bad when I'm crafting. I even had a crafting buddy! Mary's cute as a button hubby (hubba hubba) got creative with me too. Not like THAT Mary, don't worry. ;p I would've loved to stay up there longer, but the cabin had only so much tissue left because the rest was stuffed up my nose. I would do it all again is a second though because most of the Train was together (Anastasia and Jace, we of course missed you but talked about you often. You should've HEARD what they were saying!!!!... ;)) In all seriousness, it would've been SWEET if you were there, but all I can say is "April First," or perhaps, "Thunder."

These other picture gems are from Marlena and our pre-Christmas partying. Always a good time, and I hope to be getting back to the fun soon. Like next weekend for the BRONCO'S PLAYOFF GAME at Mile High!!! I'm so stoked, Mar and I are going to the game. My third Bronco game of all time, and my first time inside Invesco Field at Mile High. I've always admired it from afar but my time has finally come, (thanks to my handy Visa) I'm going into the game!!! The weather had better hold out dammit. I need to be able to show off my sweet Bronco gear!!!!

This delightful picture is Toe, Me and Mar at Zoo Lights. We are posing in front of two rams that are apparently squirting green blood after crashing into each other. And Toe apparently has a little Captain in him...

Mar and I definitely enjoy this pic because it looks like we both actually have boobs. It's all about the camera angle and lighting folks.

Hel-mutt

2006-01-05T12:14:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting at my dining room table in the Palace with the pathetic, recently-castrated puppy laying next to me. I know where he is at all times due to the sounds the plastic satellite dish snapped around his neck in drunken party-gone-bad lamp shade fashion makes when running into the wall, couch, table legs, etc. My calves are scraped from him running up behind me rubbing the sharp plastic edged shade against my legs. Oh well, it's the least I can put up with seeing as we just took his manhood away from him. A good thing that has come from this is Stewie's good behavior. We can leave him out and know that the helmet will prevent him from getting into trouble, comparable to putting a helmet on a toddler who is perfecting his walking technique.

The Palace these days is more of a pathetic gathering place than a palace. The 'PGP' if you will. I find myself home sick again, this time with strep, a sinus AND ear infection which has made its way down to my chest making me a slave to the Darth Vader machine. No, not the sucking vacuum that is the television universe, but the breathing machine. Or 'hookah,' as I lovingly refer to it. I can't believe I used to do that thing twice a day, everyday. I have a hard enough time sitting through one now and the jolt I get is worse than downing three double Red Bull and Vodkas, minus the vodka. No wonder I was able to do so much when I was younger. I was hopped up on albuterol and guifenisen. (just a little nerd speak for all you medical junkies out there).

I keep finding new swollen lymph nodes and have lovingly named the two sticking out the left side of my neck like a second and third head, (or perhaps goiters?) "Lainey and Sasha," my two favorite nicknames. I have a rogue lymph node located about two inches above my belly button which I discovered in high school. Convinced I was going to have an alien baby or cancer, an ultrasound showed it was just a lymph node that strayed from the pack. It tends to rear its bulbous head when infections are a-flowin.' Plus, it's always fun to bring out the Buddha belly at parties which everyone at Patch's cabin on New Year's Eve can attest to. With me on the hookah, Stew with his lamp shade and Amelia with her constant baking, you'd think we were throwing a 24-hour party, complete with the psychedelic-freak-out room. (That's my room with the disco ball in hookah in the center)

I think Stew is really getting to like his lamp shade because he can now chew on his rawhides and string toys without having to hold onto them. They just balance on the dish like it's his own bib. Or like a fat dude eating baby back ribs directly off of the plate he is balancing on his belly, while watching TV and drinking from one of those beer helmets through plastic malleable tubing. I can see him already on the leather couch with doggie kibble stuck in the depression of the satellite dish around his head while he lays back on his rear haunches, rawhide under one paw, his girlfriend Honey under the other. He barks what sounds to be a random verse, but Caesar the Dog Whisperer knows he's saying, "Get me those liver treats woman, and get on with the belly rubs."

Man, if I had a dollar every time a dude said that to me.

Mea Culpa and Merry Christmas Kegger

2005-12-30T12:42:00.000-07:00

I left the Ranch around 9:30 Sunday night feeling like the equivalent of a bag of assholes. Kind of gross, a little squishy, and definitely smelly despite my shower. The drive up to Nowheresville, I'm sorry, Frederick, was quick as nobody was out on the roads. After all, most people stay in on Christmas night and play with their new toys. But not me. I was dead set and determined to go to another party. You'd think I learned my lesson two weeks prior what with my kidneys ceasing to work. But no. I'm always looking around for some fun.

I make it to Nate's house which is nestled in a flock of houses that sprout up out of nowhere like a cactus in the desert. After driving around in literal circles, I called Mar Mar and she was able to flag me down to the right place. The address and street names were conveniently left out of the directions I received from Toe. As I'm walking up to the front door, I lag behind Rick and McKee and stop at the front door to see an awful sight. Smack on the front window beside the front door lay a sticker. Not just any sticker mind you. A large, American flag filled 'W.' I shuttered and walked in for what I already knew was going to be quite the night. I was greeted by one of the worlds cutest dogs, a 7 month old Australian Shepard. She has the unfortunate name of 'Cheney' and I think that borders on animal abuse. I was going to let the raving Republican thing slide. Or so I thought.

Mar Mar met me with a glass of wine which I pleasantly sipped and tried to let the happenings of the previous day and night sink in. (I'm not at liberty to say exactly what happened simply to protect the innocent. All I can say is that I learned way more than I wanted to about some people. The end.) Shaken, (but not stirred) we made our way down the street to Noah's where the keg was housed. Walking into Noah's house was like walking into a log cabin, complete with the mountain home smell. This isn't a bad thing of course. Mar and I immediately started practicing our head stands. Why? The question is, why not? I am bound and determined to teach that girl to balance on her head. After some head spins I decided it would be a good idea to play caps against the champions, Nate and McKee. Why? The question is, what the hell was I thinking?! Surprisingly, we gave them a run for their money, but ultimately ended up losing. But like I've said before, I always come in first place of the losers. So really, everybody wins.

Tempers were rising due to competition and the fact that I'm in the room, (I'm always full of feist) so Mar started a fight with me and tried to take away my telephone. We ended up wrestling under the coffee table and my phone somehow ended up in her bra. Needless to say, that's where it stayed. I went into the kitchen to get on the outskirts of the action where I found the bucket of bottle caps. I guess I hit a few too many people and they weren't too happy about it because the next thing I know I'm getting sprayed in the face with the sink sprayer. This obviously didn't put me in a good mood and to top it off, they were blaring country music and trying to get me to dance. I believe I forcefully pushed a few people away as I was being dramatic and carrying on about how I was all wet and country music sucks. I figured it was a good time for a time out, so Mar and I left and went back to Nate's for a potty break, only to find there is no toilet paper in the entire home. In a drunken rage I tore the 'W' sticker off of the front window and removed all 'W' paraphernalia off of his refrigerator. There was no saving the sticker, it came off in strips. I placed the refrigerator decorations in my purse and together we headed back to Noah's.

I somehow managed to squeeze in the tiny spot between the refrigerator and the wall at Noah's, which is where I placed the hijacked republican pride paraphernalia. Again I moved over to the sink area and this time I was completely soaked by the sprayer and decided it was a good time to leave all together. Making it back into Nate's house, I see Mar and Tony on the couch and I just yell at them, 'Don't ask, I don't want to talk about it!' and I go to change into my PJs before raiding Nate's cabinets for something to eat. The only kosher thing in his digs was instant oatmeal of the apple cinnamon variety. I can't stand the little dehydrated bits of apple, so I stood at the counter yelling at every little piece while I painstakingly pulled the apples out one by one, cussing like a Tourettes patient. I finally settled onto the couch and began eating my oatmeal when everyone came back from Noah's.

I don’t recall doing this, but I apparently wouldn’t let anyone sit next to me on the couch, and when Nate asked if I wanted to eat some berries, I told him to “get the F&$# away from me!” wherein he went to the basement and stayed there ‘til morning. I fell asleep on the comfy couch and woke to McKee snoring on the floor. We all know how well I do with snoring, so I picked up my belongings and moved into the office and shut the doors until daybreak.

I awoke just as cranky as I had arrived the night before, and I looked forward to going out to breakfast and eating some bacon. It was while we were heading out the front door that Nate said startled, “Where the hell is my ‘W’ sticker?!” I was standing right next to him and couldn’t even look at him in the face. Somehow he immediately knew to look at me and point accusingly (rightfully so) and yell, “It was YOU wasn’t it?!” I unconvincingly stated, “Nnnooo….” He went off about liberals or something and I started feeling pretty bad. Astonishing as it is, he didn’t kill me and we went to breakfast. It was at breakfast that I heard about me bitching Nate out about the berries and how pretty much all of their friends are now scared to talk to me because I might explode about hating country music or chunks in my oatmeal. Surprisingly, my hot off the grill bacon wasn’t helping my guilt. To top it off, Nate paid for everybody’s breakfast and didn’t even order anything for himself. I’m such a JACKASS. Now I have to go out and find a new ‘W’ sticker to replace the one I tore into tiny little tidbits. Where do I even go to get one of those? A gun shop? Anti-abortion clinics? ‘Ignoramus’ R Us?’ I don’t even want to be seen in the vicinity of those places, but I guess that’s what I deserve for being a complete and TOTAL MORON.

So this is my Mea Culpa to Nate. I’m terribly sorry, I normally am very well behaved. Like I’ve said before, try to avoid me when I haven’t eaten, slept, and heard earth shattering news. Not that these are any excuses for vandalizing your property, but I just want to put that out there for all of our safety. Thank you.

The Hot Box and the Heimlich

2005-12-29T16:47:00.000-07:00

I can honestly say that this was the best Christmas ever, less the fact my brother and sister-in-law weren't here to enjoy it with us. We even had warmer weather than my beach faring family enjoyed. I awoke bright and early at 8:30, (are we seeing a theme here?) to the extreme heat that is the 'Hot Box," a.k.a. the guest bedroom. My dad installed a fan in the duct work a few years back to get air flow to the furthest room of the house. Turns out it works a little too well now and has the ability to cook a small turkey. Dad, I know you've got the connections and all, but stop buying industrial products just because you can get them wholesale.

I’m going to just put this out there because there’s no better way to say it: I by far have the coolest stocking in town. It is a shaped like a Christmas tree with stuffed arms sticking out of the sides and cartoon like facial features. The opening to the stocking is his mouth and the inside is lined in red cloth. I came skipping down the stairs and went directly to the fireplace as I do every Christmas morning to find the little guy had a long present shaped like a windshield wiper shoved down his throat. I quickly performed the Heimlich maneuver and removed the object from his mouth. After unsuccessfully guessing its contents, (nope, not a windshield wiper OR knitting needles) I unwrapped the end to find what looked like a curved wooden fork. My mad detective skills I earned from watching Law and Order really paid off at this moment because I soon realized it was a back scratcher. But not just any back scratcher. It had a little something extra taped to the handle. It seemed to be a laminated picture of sorts. Upon closer examination I find it is a laminated picture of a very handsome man holding snow shoes that was cut out of a magazine (L.L. Bean maybe?) and scrawled across the front of his stylish maroon sweater in black Sharpie were the words: "Annie, Your Back Scratcher." At this moment my mother is on the floor about to pee herself from laughing so hard. I soon join her on the floor because this was, by far, the best gift she has ever bestowed upon me. Even more so, she remembered what I said the other day on the phone. I miss having a boyfriend because when I get asthma attacks, my back always gets itchy. Potential boyfriends must be willing to scratch my back, and scratch it good. There are right and wrong ways to do it. But that is another entry. Unfortunately, I noticed the dude in the picture had a wedding ring on his finger. Mom, you’re fired.

I woke Ben up with my laughing and he wasn't amused so he went directly up to the hot box to sleep while my parents and I drank coffee and opened presents. Apparently I'm a bad dresser and always late because I got a SWEET watch my dad picked out (I couldn't have picked out anything better) and gift cards for clothing. I'm sure my boss is happy about this as well.

My grandparents came over for Christmas brunch, and the five of us (Ben had to leave for his Mom's) enjoyed tasty food and then I passed out on the floor next to the table. Yes, my good manners astound me as well. Once we all woke up from naps, we took the dogs for a walk in 70 degree weather, read some books, and then prepared ourselves to go out yet again that night. The Zink's got a karaoke machine for Christmas and the plan was to go and test it out. I went down there for about an hour before leaving for Frederick and the Second Annual Christmas kegger.

To be continued...

Merry Christmahanakwanzicahstus, Part Two

2005-12-29T15:54:00.000-07:00

Let's see... Where did I leave off last entry? Oh yes, after the Bronco's game and preparations for Christmas. So, Mar drove me back to the Palace and after hauling my bags up the stairs yet again (yes, I have another new nickname of 'bag lady') I unlocked the front door only to be hit squaw in the kisser by a brick wall of stench. It smelled like a combination of vomit and Red Bull. I'm thinking someone had a few too many Red Bulls and vodka and didn't bother cleaning up the bile-icious mess. As much as it pained me to do so, I had to follow my nose (a la Toucan Sam) to find the origin of the smell. My path took me into my roommate's room and I covered my face with my shirt (which didn't smell like roses either seeing as how I just came from a tailgating party at a bar and the outside temperature was a toasty 70 degrees) and let the dog out. I attached the dog who was apparently on a pogo stick to his leash and took him outside for potty time when I noticed that the smell followed us. Upon closer examination I find something stuck to the ends of his fur in random spots resembling baby poop. Upon returning, I took a look in his kennel but found nothing. Let me pause for a moment here. My computer hard drive is making the sound of a dying baby calf, and it's driving me crazy. Please hold while I restart my computer...

Ahhh... Much better. And yes, I am aware that using the term, "baby calf" is redundant. After all, a calf is a baby. So it's kind of like saying, "baby baby cow." Which is also much like naming the housing development near Golden, "Table Mesa." Why not just call it, "Table Table?" Idiots.

Anyway, back to the vomit and poop. We found nothing in his kennel so we tossed Stew right back in, I packed what I needed for Christmas eve and bolted to the padres. I lolled around in my hung-over state before finally getting ready around 6 pm for the festivities that were to take place down the street at the Zinks. Ben made his way over and not too much longer Kim and RoRo came in. I served them turkey straight outta the box (no plates necessary) and opened up my pomegranate extravaganza that Kim gave me for Christmas. Pomegranate beer and pomegranate tea! YUM! We also indulged in pomegranate martini's at the Zink's. But I digress.

The four of us headed down the street as my parents were already there, and thus began the 8 hour celebration. There was a group of 12 of us, so we split up into 4 teams of three each and played 'Cranium: Turbo Edition.' We took two intermissions for tequila shots and other drinks which made the game go by that much faster. Some highlights of the hilarity include:
Ben trying to move Maral (a la puppet - puppeteer) to do the hula without trying to get too close.
Mary coining her team name, "The Drunkards." (She's 53)
Me trying to get my drunk-as-a-skunk mother to act out a "Florist." Thankfully Ben was behind us to catch me as I stumbled under my mom's drunk weight.
Roman reading the cards in his "humdinger" wobbly old pioneer voice.
I'm sure there's more but you know how it goes. More booze = less memory.

After I successfully lost, (I always come in first place of the losers) Ben and I decided it would be a good idea to go skateboarding around the neighborhood. Lucky for us it was a beautiful night and a white Christmas was nowhere in sight. Maral came down from upstairs with a tear-stained face as she and Matt got in yet another fight. A night never ends without a fight between the two of them. As long as they make up I guess it's ok.(?) Maral wanted to get away, so we left and the two of us with Simon and Ben spent the next two hours in Ben's car that was parked in front of my parent's house. (a la high school again) After Maral had enough of jumping from the back seat to the front seat of the Honda (she's a small gal, not even 5 feet tall, maybe weighs 90 pounds) she decided it was time to call it a night. Ben would periodically get out of the car and go skateboarding and without fail I would get a call on my cell phone to give him directions back to my place. After much discussion with Simon, we decided the best way to get back would be to "go downhill, turn left, and go back uphill." Believe it or not, those directions actually worked!

Simon and I discussed important philosophical things like the times he would dress up in his spandex Batman outfit and run around with his buddy Josh (or should I say, Robin?) Or the many times we would ride the 'Sparticart' down our street without any brakes. And dry ice bombs. By the time 3:30 rolled around we figured Santa had already visited and our parents were asleep so it was safe to sneak back inside. Seeing as how none of us were in a state to drive, Ben spent the night next to the fireplace to make sure Santa's thugs didn't come back down the chimney and steal the goodies the Fat Man left.

That night I fell asleep not to sugar plum fairies dancing in my head, but to spinning stars and the random chuckle.

Merry Christmahanakwanzicahstus, Part One

2005-12-27T12:57:00.000-07:00

What a great week it has been! Last night was the first night since Wednesday that I slept in my own bed. Let me tell you, it was GLORIOUS. So much so that I left work to go back to it and take a little nap. Sorry Doctor, I know you said 'no naps,' but I was barely able to drive without falling asleep. I couldn't help it.

Festivities began last Thursday when I drove Ben and I up to Fort Collins for Patch's birthday. We went to Coopersmith's for dinner and finished the night at the Trailhead. Everyone was completely snockered (except for me, of course, I was DD) and it was a riot to watch everybody. Patch wasn't able to keep in his last shot (why he chose a Prairie Wildfire I'll never know) and after loosing his dinner, he went right back up to the bar for another. Atta boy! I stayed at Funk's place, where her mother was also in town for the holiday. After making it home, Funk snuck back out a-la-high-school for a secret late night rendezvous. We considered placing pillows under the blankets to make it look like she was sleeping on the floor next to me if her mother came out during the night. Thankfully, she wasn't caught out past curfew... ;p

Friday Funk had to work early, so I hung out with the Suze (her mom) until I met up with Kim, Roman, Patch and Ben for breakfast at the Cafe Bluebird. I, as usual, delighted in the blueberry pancakes and even a side of bacon. Hey, it's the holidays, I'm allowed to splurge. Unfortunately, I had to work at the Bird Friday night so I left the Fort allowing enough time to make it home to shower and go to work. After a dismal night and horrible tips, Marlena came down and we headed downtown to meet up with Toe and friends. We went to the Celtic Tavern where I was hit on by a woman and then a 37-year-old dude and his 40+ year old Harry-Potter-glasses-wearing buddy who claimed they worked for CBS Sports and were in town for the Broncos/Raiders game. He then proceeded to invite me to his van parked outside Mile High Stadium for the game on Saturday. Needless to say, I passed up the tempting invitation. Freak. During the walk back to the apartment we were staying, I had a nice drunk chat with my brother where the topic was "Why does Annie get hit on by only 37-year-old men and chicks?" An answer was not apparent.

We crashed at a beautiful apartment on 18th and Larimer, where I found the need to sleep on the bathroom floor. This is apparently becoming a habit. Actually, I moved to the bathroom floor because, as we know, Toe snores louder than a chainsaw cutting petrified wood. After being tripped over by Peck, the apartment's tenant, he suggested I move to the bedroom floor so I don't get hit in the head by everyone who visits the bathroom. I gave him props for his sly move of getting a chick into his bedroom, but still chose the floor at the foot of the bed, next to a shaggy-haired, chisel-jawed Puerto Rican (no it wasn't Mar thank-you-very-much). Apparently his feet were cold as he tried, on numerous occasions, to shove his feet under my bum throughout the night. Not very comfortable to say the least.

The bedroom didn't have windows, so when I heard everybody up and loud despite the pitch-blackness of the room, I was very confused and upset by the fact they were up at what I thought was 4 am. It didn't feel any better to find out it was only 8:30. I really don't understand why they always get up so early after a late night. But I figured, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em, so I entertained everybody with my sweet bed-head which is where my latest nickname of 'Incredible' stems. (If you haven't seen the Disney movie, "The Incredibles," I highly suggest you go out and rent it and pay close attention to the bad guy. That is how my hair looks in the morning.)

We went out for breakfast at The Delectable Egg where I got, you guessed it, blueberry pancakes. Turns out this is Peck's favorite meal as well. The wedding is scheduled for sometime next fall. He doesn't know yet, so I'd appreciate it if you kept it that way. I plan on drugging his blueberry pancakes the morning of the wedding and when he wakes, we will be at the Justice of the Peace. The antidote will come after saying, "I do."

We bummed around the apartment for awhile and all crashed in Sean's bed (yes, there were about 5 of us in a full-sized bed where even my feet hung off the end) before Mar, Toe and I headed to Mile High Station to meet Nate for a tail-gating party before the Broncos/Raiders game. It was hosted by Jack Daniels and 103.5 the Fox, so I had the joy of seeing the G-man. I cannot stand this man. I met him a couple years back when he did a Red Robin promotion and he creeped me right the hell out. The man is so over-tanned, uneducated, and has the most obvious hair plugs I've ever seen. I was cranky crankerson as it was from not sleeping much, and for that I apologize. I still have much apologizing to do, especially to everyone that attended Nate and Noah's Christmas Kegger. That will have to be another post however as this one is getting long winded for an entry without photos to entertain.

As tempted as Mar and I were to attend the game on such a beautiful day, we begrugingly walked back to her car and drove home to prepare for the Christmas festivities.

To be continued...

Top 5 TV Show Theme Songs of the 80s

2005-12-21T11:08:00.000-07:00

(As requested by Seth:)

5. Three's Company
4. Cheers
3. The Muppet Show
2. Murder She Wrote
1. Fraggle Rock

Nuts.

2005-12-20T09:52:00.000-07:00

Where else but in Highlands Ranch can you eat a nice meal at Boston Market, then go next door for dessert for some hot, fresh Lama Nuts??

Precursor to the Kidneys

2005-12-19T09:03:00.000-07:00

Per Seth's comment, here are additional pics from the previous weekend. Edited of course.

Another Top 5

2005-12-16T09:32:00.000-07:00

Top 5 things I've learned from rolling around on the living room floor for 5 straight days:

5) Even though the clearance between the floor and the bottom of the couch is only 6 inches, the dog really does leave little presents underneath the couch.
4) Law and Order is on a minimum of 6 times per day, everyday. (This is a good thing) I still find myself surprised on the rare occasion I actually see a new one.
3) Whoever said eating food off the floor was a bad idea is greatly mistaken. That caramel popcorn and tater tot were delicious!
2) If you ever wanted to have a bigger screen TV, just lay on your back in front of the TV and it immediately looks 5 times bigger, plus you aren’t out the $400 for a new one! (Ok, I don’t actually know how much TVs cost because I couldn’t afford one even if I wanted to. $400 just seemed like a fair number)
1) Whoever put gum underneath my coffee table is never welcome back in my house again. Seriously, who does that?! It wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t put in hours of blood, sweat and tears into building it, but I did, so have some respect douche bag.

Oy my Kidneys

2005-12-12T14:25:00.000-07:00

Well, it finally caught up to me. It really was only a matter of time. I just got over-zealous with this whole newly aquired quality of life thing and didn't take time to chill. I've got a kidney infection. That'll learn me.

Annie's body: "What? You want to have FUN?! HA!
Annie's mind: "But come on. Can't a girl live a little?"
Annie's body: "Sure, have a drink. And take THIS!" (body forces mind to move arm to punch myself in the kidney)
Annie's mind: "Ow."

The weekend was fun though, despite the severe pain and accute infection today. Friday night I was planning on sleeping and such, but we ended up playing Guestures with my parents who are entertainment in themselves. Saturday was a day jam packed with crafting (again, I can't say what as you may already be a winner of an Annie Original) but let me tell you, I was very productive. I ended up not going out until 10:30 that night and due to the lack of working kidneys, (I was unaware of their state at the time. I just thought my back was spasming for the sake of spasming) I was affected by booze much more than I should've.

We went to a club downtown called 'Spill' and amazingly, the only thing I spilled there was myself, straight onto the bar floor. Seth met up with Mar, Kim, Nate, Tony and I, and the group of us enjoyed poking fun at my unusually inebreited self. (Notice the lack of details here, as they are few and far between, hidden in the dark dingy spots of my alcohol soaked memory) We made it back to the palace where there were another 6 people, and I decided I needed my alone time, so I holed up for the night on my bathroom floor. Thanks goes to my office for the endless supply of padded carpet squares. They work great on cold bathroom floors. I woke up around 5:30 to go to my bedroom where I come to find three people already slumbering loudly in my king-sized creation of fluffy wonder. I opted for the less inviting, yet quieter, livingroom couch. Sorry to Amelia and Sam for pulling the blankets out from under them, but I was cold. You already had 6 blankets on the palette, and you did just fine with one less.

After waking at 8:30 in the morning, we had to drive Nate and Tony back downtown so they could get to the Broncos game. We ate a delectable (and by delectable I mean undercooked) breakfast at the Denver Diner, but it wasn't so bad because it was purchased for Mar and I. Thanks guys, you're swell! (but not as swollen as my kidneys) Then it was back to the palace for Mar and I to nap, eat Q-Doba, watch the game and make t-shirts for us and the boys. Why is it that I can think of great slogans and such for random things, but when it comes to work I drown? The calamity just started there with the boys coming back down after the game so the 5 of us (including Amelia) could go out to dinner. We all sported our t-shirts and they were greatly appreciated by all who came into contact with us. Who wouldn't love a dude wearing a t-shirt that states simply, "I LOVE ROD" (as in Rod Smith, number 80).

After dinner we lounged around on the palette (much to Nate's dismay) and watched some good old fashioned animated TV. Apparently it was WWF because there were steamrollers and punches galore which I'm sure didn't help the kidneys. Seeing as how our guests had a long way to drive to get home, they left a little after nine. After Stewie peed on my pillow, I spilled hot chocolate on Amelia's comforter and tossed that into the washer as well, only to have the washer explode all over the laundry room. My pants were completely soaked and I tried to soak up the soapy water before Stewie licked it all up and yarfed all over the floor. The washer was so out of whack it knocked the dryer on its heels and my poor neighbors probably wonder if we really do work for WWF Raw.

Which brings us back to this morning where I woke up to stabbing pains in my back and the feeling of being hit by a truck. Thankfully the doctor visit went well and she even gave me the drugs for free so I didn't have to sell an arm to afford it. Yeah, it pays to be on a first name basis with your doctors. Jealous? I didn't think so.

The List, revisited

2005-12-08T11:51:00.000-07:00

So I may be stuck back in 2000, (not really that long ago in the grand scheme of things, seeing as how the earth is a mere few billion years old) but I think it's for everyone's benefit (and by everyone, I mean pretty much nobody's but my own, satsifaction) that I put in writing my top fives.

'The List' originally started with the Ho Train and it was the top five famous people we'd do if we had the chance. We even had written rules as to how it would work:
1) No one person could be on more than one list at a time.
2) It had to be written on the paper that was secured by uber-magnets on the refrigerator at the Ho-Tel.
3) You were allowed one list, and one list only, consisting of only 5 people. Not 4, nor 6. Only 5. Five shall be the number of people on the list. No more, no less. Solely 5 names.

One might think we should have the top 5 rules to go along with the top five names, but then we'd just be going a little overboard. Come on.

I do have to say limiting oneself to only 5 is cruel. Especially when it comes to the plethora of music and movies out there that, just because I didn't think of it while writing these lists, doesn't mean I don't like it. In fact, these lists change at least once a day.

So I should preface this by saying: Here are few of my favorite top 5 lists on this day, for the past hour it has taken me to write this, in between e-mailing and work.

Top Five Dudes I'd Do (given the chance to do so, even if I were involved in a relationship)
1) John Cusack
2) Colin Hanks
3) Jesse L. Martin
4) Chris Martin
5) Zach Braff

Top Five Songs (1990 and newer, any genre)
1) "Satellite," Dave Matthews Band
2) "Glory Bound," Martin Sexton
3) "Gravity," John Mayer Trio
4) "Breakdown," Jack Johnson
5) "Norwegian Wood," PM Dawn remake (yes, PM Dawn)

Top Five Movies (Comedy)
1) Napolen Dynamite
2) UHF
3) History of the World, Part One
4) Monty Python and the Holy Grail
5) Anchorman

Top Five Movies (Dramedy)
1) Amelie
2) Garden State
3) Serendipity
4) High Fidelity
5) Office Space

Top Five Movies (Animated)
1) Triplets of Belleville
2) Shrek
3) Sword in the Stone
4) Finding Nemo
5) Aladdin

Just the Two (then three) Of Us (and a dog)

2005-12-05T15:51:00.000-07:00

Yet another fantastic weekend. Patch had been planning to go up to his cabin in Grand Lake for a couple weeks, but turns out only I could make it. After an antsy day at work, I went home, made some guacamole (if you haven’t had my guac, you haven’t lived) and waited for Patch to arrive. He came over by 4:15 and we had to head over to his parents house so we could swap cars. Lord knows my car can’t make it in the snow until I get the wheel welded (safe, I know) so Papa Murphy was kind enough to not only allow us the use of the cabin for the weekend, but also his 4-Runner.

The drive up wasn’t as bad as the weather stations were making it out to sound. We started to play the game, “Guess Who Sings This Song” and we were both horribly mistaken every song we gave up. Whose stupid idea was THAT?! Oh yeah, mine. We made it up to Grand Lake around 8:30 and took it easy. We listened to music, reminisced about the last time we were up there, (I still feel horrible about carving my name into the log benches out back) played some cribbage, (I’m the best loser) drank, (Citrus vodka and Diet Dr. Pepper anyone? Mahna Mahna) and Patch played his guitar and sang while I crocheted. It was like we were grandparents waiting for our kids and grandkids to come home for Christmas dinner.

Saturday I was up bright and early and puttered around the cabin, made some coffee, started a fire, and crocheted until 10 when I woke up Patch. I strictly adhere to the 10 o'clock rule, put into effect years ago by K-Dawg, a fellow lover of sleep and member of the ho-train. After a night of drinking, nobody is allowed to wake up other post-party persons before 10 am. After 10 am, it's free reign.

After singing with Jack, the dog, we put on our snow clothes and headed out with snowshoes strapped onto our feet. The cabin borders on Rocky Mountain National Park, so we just went out the backdoor straight into the park and hiked around. The snow was so deep: a foot and a half of new snow had fallen last week, so it was all powder. Jack, was having a heck of a time prancing through it. I was able to lead when we were in the trees, but once we hit the meadow the snow was up to my hips and I couldn't pick my legs up high enough. Ah, the joys of being freakishly short. We hiked around a bit, checked out other people's views and cabins, then headed back for some breakfast (or lunch as it were) which consisted of homemade caramel popcorn and orange juice. MMMmmmm!

We chilled for a bit, watched a couple episodes of "Mythbusters" and then headed into town for some real food. The altitude did a number on me and I was tipsy (to put it lightly) after two pints of Avalanche. Perhaps my healthy lunch of caramel popcorn had a little something to do with that too. At 4 we got a call from Ben saying he made it up to the cabin, so we headed back and commenced another night drinking, playing cards and listening to music. But this time I taught the boys some sweet hip hop moves which we practiced on the kitchen floor.

We then decided to get artsy with the digital cameras and made some stop-action films which would probably only be enjoyable to the rare few who appreciate our humor. I’ve posted a few stills from said films for your enjoyment here.

We packed in as much fun as one could in one night. At one time in the evening, Ben could be found banging on the wooden floor with large plastic serving spoons, Patch was playing the stair rails as if it were a glockenspiel, and I was dancing in circles wearing Ben’s black beanie, all to the tunes of Curtis Mayfield. Ah what the neighbors would think had they peaked in the windows.

We went to bed (and by bed I mean Patch passed out on the Lazy Boy (chair, not Ben) with Jack on his lap, and Ben in the rocking chair at 1) and I finally fell asleep in my little twin-sized rickety bed around 2.

Again I was first up on Sunday but made enough noise to waken Ben from his slumber. We had to clean up the mess from the night before and watched "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind," before heading back down the mountain. I made it back in time to drop my stuff off and head back out to meet my family and the Zinks et al. for Walt’s birthday dinner at the Outback. Then it was back home to the filthy Palace (Amelia still hasn't cleaned up the ground taco meat she made for lunch last Friday) and I finally got some sleep.

All in all, I have to say it was a great time. I definitely needed a laid back weekend (yes, it actually was laid back despite the pictures) and I look forward to doing it again soon!

Thanks

2005-12-02T08:40:00.000-07:00

I meant to post this last week, but I didn't. So I am now.

It is kind of sad we only have one day a year set aside to remember all the things for which we should be thankful. That aside, I wrote a bit on things I'm grateful to have, do, or experience.

I'm thankful for my parents. They are the two greatest people in the world and without them I would be lost. They've taught me love, respect, and acceptance. Watching the two of them together gives me hope, despite the sometimes outrageous demands they ask of the other. ("Larry! Take the dogs out, clean the bathroom and hop on one leg while making my dinner!!!") OK, that may have been an exaggeration, but just look at the two of them. I believe one of them just farted and I caught the love in the air.

I'm thankful for my brother. Without him I would've been one lonely child. OK, even more than that, he taught me to be strong, (mostly out of defense from him beating me... I kid. He would always try to make me laugh if he made me cry) and if I really want something, fight for it. I am constantly amazed by his God given talent to entertain and dance and his natural business savvy mind. He is an example I give to the world of fighting the odds and coming out ahead in the end. Fighting adversity, conventional homogeny of American schooling and being one of the few to make it out of our original hometown without stab wounds, shrapnel scars or missing any limbs makes him a pretty swell guy. A bit over protective of his little sister, but it's nice to be loved, and it's overshadowed by his sense of humor. References to poop and farts will always be funny. I'm also thankful for my sister-in-law who is nothing less than fabulous. She has an equally giving heart, incrediblly intelligent mind, and an enormous patience to put up with Alex's quirks.

I'm thankful for the rest of my family as well. We are a small family, by no means comparable to Mary's family who had to rent out a banquet hall in Omaha to fit everyone. My mom's parents are like my second parents who let me be a bum in their basement during my sickness. They didn't know which Annie they would see in the morning; the happy pain free one or the depressed, incessantly tired and pained Annie. I have my grandpa to thank for my foul mouth too. Gotta love the Jewish New Yorkers of the world. My dad's parents have the biggest hearts and although they may seem rough around the edges to some, they always mean well and I'm glad that passed down to my father. I enjoy watching my cousins, (all four of them) grow and evolve into the intelligent, confident people our parents wanted us to become. Although they may not know it, I celebrate in their joy and happiness, and two of them have pretty much the cutest kids on earth.

I'm thankful for my health, which seems a little strange because in others' eyes, I don't have 'health.' I am the 'healthiest' I've even been and I can't explain how I now have a quality of life I've never been able to enjoy until now. There are times when I have the 'whoa is me' attitude, but without the help of my friends, family and of course, entire medical staff, I am able to take pride in my life and know that it is worth valuing.

I thankful for my friends, both old and new. They, for all intents and purposes, are like family and probably know more about me than I probably know about myself. I am thankful I can fall back on them for support, and a lot of laughs. I'm thankful they don't mind my horrible jokes, awkward faces, bizarre eating habits, and need for sleep. Even though I may not speak to all of them nearly often enough it should be known that they are always in my thoughts, and I wish nothing but the best for them all.

Some other random things I'm thankful for are coffee, the smell and look of a brand new box of crayons, the joy of cracking open a brand new hardback book, my dad's old long sleeve cotton shirts, my hands without whom I couldn't be crafty, palettes, football, cheeseball smiles, big fat snow flakes on a calm winter's night, honesty, doughnuts, nature, and cameras. That's it. Nothing more, nothing less. It's just right.

Running a Homeless Shelter

2005-12-01T08:52:00.000-07:00

After our birthday extravaganza downtown, I drove the herd south to the PM Palace. Walking in the door I found my poor roommate being dramatic on couch. (More than usual at least) The culprit of her melodramatic styling was our dear friend Al. Al Cohol. I want to show you the before and after pics of a night with this 'friend.'

Before After
I suggest clicking on the pictures to get a closer view.

Words cannot describe the chaos that was going on in every room of the Palace. Mar and Tony are on the floor in front of the TV (I had yet to set up the palette), Rick is in the kitchen wearing a frilly scarf and princess crown whipping up a delectable meal of oven warmed rolls and tater tots, Amelia is on the couch claiming she is going to die after spilling water all over her shirt and blanket, Justin is next to her, tending to her whines, Noah is stumbling around trying to find a spot that isn't spinning, and Nate is sitting on the couch taking pictures of everything with Mar's camera. At one time I walk out of the kitchen to find Noah and Tony having a WWF wrestling match in front of the TV. Gee, I wonder who would win that match had he actually been trying...

In an attempt to quiet everyone down and prevent us from getting a noise violation, I popped in "Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle." A good 45 minutes into the movie, everyone had finally found a spot either on the floor, palette, or the couch to crash. A little known fact I learned: I have enough pillows and blankets for 7 people to pass out on the living room floor. Justin ended up taking Amelia's bed because she was past the point of no return on the couch. After having to fight off two intruders into my bedroom wanting to sleep on my sweet handmade cozy king-sized bed, I happily crawled under the sheets and spread out in the gloriousness of my creation.

The next morning I was woken to loud knocking and goodbyes bright and early at 8:30. I guess the boys weren't too pleased with having to sleep on the floor. Ah well. When I opened the door and walked out into the living room, I walked smack into a brick wall with the aroma of alcohol and body odor. It took a full 24 hours to air that bad boy out. Despite the smell, we cozied back up on the palette and contemplated what we were going to do because the Broncos weren't playing that day -GASP!- and decided on watching movies and periodically napping the rest of the day. I don't think I moved from my position, although the spot next to me intermittently changed from Mar, to Funk, to Mary to Amelia. Yeah, I get around. Or just the opposite perhaps.

Mary was in town on her way back to ABQ so Funk came down and the three of us went and enjoyed dessert at the Cheesecake Factory (they had the cheesecake, I enjoyed uber-sweetened coffee) and then back to the Palace to of course, to sit on the palette and reminisce about the old days.

A great ending to an even greater weekend.

Birthdays A-Go-Go

2005-11-30T15:34:00.000-07:00

As promised, I'm going to write a little to describe the weekend. I very well could use a break! I take that back. I'm glad I'm getting out. Friday night I worked a painfully slow and low paying shift at the bird. I had enough time to go home and finish up Mar's b-day presents before she came down. It was a night jam packed of watching A&E and USA and watching Mar try to stay awake and be involved in the conversations. All she could do was nod every once in a while, and blink repeatedly to stay awake. We lost her at about 11:30. Maybe you shouldn't be staying out with the men folk 'til all hours of the morning missy!!! I kid, I kid. Hussy. I'm KIDDING! slut. WHA?!?! Where'd THAT come from?!

ANYWAY, Saturday rolled around and we crafted it up at 'Color Me Mine,' a cheesy little pottery painting shop near Park Meadows. The girl that worked there asked me who I was because I looked familiar, and turns out we went to high school together. Surprise surprise, I will never get away. Then her friend walked in and turns out I knew her as well through Kim. Aren't you glad you know that now? After finishing up our masterpieces, ( I can't say what happened here until after Christmas. Perhaps you, yes YOU, will be the lucky recipient of an Annie Original) we started getting cranky so that was our cue to go get some food. After re-energizing at the healthy Park Meadows Mall food court, we went shopping for some sassy clothes for Mar Mar to wear that night.

A few hundred dollars and missing brain cells later, we went home and napped. Ah yes, our favorite pastime. This time we listened to some tasty John Mayer Trio, which I highly suggest you go out and purchase. It's a great mix between Stevie Ray Vaughn, Jimi Hendrix, Ray Charles, Herb Alpert and of course John Mayer. But I digress.

The boys ended up coming down from Nate's place at around 8:30, which is the time we were supposed to be meeting Mar's sister and Brother-in-law at the Wynkoop Brewery. After corralling the herd into the 'Yimmy,' we finally headed north. Noah, the 12-year-old stuck in a 26-year-old's body, was riding in the seat behind me. Luckily, I was able to entertain him with the toys I keep in my car, for just such an occasion. He kept himself busy and well enough behaved with a pooping cow and a Canadian Mounty Beaver.

I find a place for us to park and we trudge our way to the Brewery through blasting cold wind. The highlight of our dinner was no doubt the giant gorilla guarding the brewery doors. Being the tools that we are, Mar and I couldn't resist taking pictures. We kindly refer to this as "Monkey Loving."

Finally it was time to head over to Polly Esther's, a dance club that used to play mostly 70s music, but it has turned to 80s and 90s now. Another sign that we are getting old. Bedelia, Justin and Gabe met up with us here, as well as Seth. Being the only sober person among a bunch of drunks takes a lot of patience. I was told we were going to the Poor House before heading over to Polly Esther's, so Seth, being the gentleman that he is, took a cab in that direction only to find out after being dropped off that we were a mere 10 blocks away. Thankfully, after making it to the throwback club, he didn't rip my head off. Thanks.

Mar and I immediately headed to the dance floor to get our collective grooves on. At one point during the evening a swing song came on, (no doubt Brian Setzer Orchestra) and I was swooped into Steve's brother Greg's arms and commenced the buffoonery of what I consider dancing. The boy can swing like nobody's business and I'm sure I crumpled at least three of his toes, hopefully not the important ones like the Papa or Pinky toes. I am stating here and now, for whoever may read this, that I would love to learn how to properly swing dance, because despite my missteps, I enjoyed it immensely. Greg, if you're out there, I'm here to learn.

Mar was all over the dance floor in a drunken stupor, but she still managed to make it look good. I'm sure Tony didn't mind in the least either. Nate was even able to show off some sweet moves, but only when being prodded to do so. I think when it comes to dancing, Nate considers it more of a spectator sport.

How can I forget mentioning Brian's sweet moves here either. He and Steve went so far as bringing some sweet glasses. They like to pretend they are invisible when they put them on, which I think is a fabulous idea. I'll tell you what, I knew I was a better dancer as soon as those bad boys were placed over my eyes. And not to leave Rick out, he was cracking me up. He probably has the best rhythm out of anybody there. And Justin, well, he always can shake his groove thang.

The party didn't end after Polly Esther's closed though. After losing Rick and Noah for a bit we finally were able to locate them and I swung by the Poor House to pick them up. The 6 of us headed back to the PM Palace to find a very happy Amelia chock-o-block full of alcohol. I'll continue that story in the next installment. In the meantime, enjoy perusing the other pics from Polly Esther's.

I don't know who we're fooling here. everybody knows we'd crumble in the face of danger.

Notice the sweet glasses. And the rubbing.

No, we are not making out, our knees hurt because we were dancing so low, and then we couldn't get up. We are trying to help each other. Because that LPs do. Isn't that right Ern?

Everyone Needs a Little Cuteness in their Lives

2005-11-29T14:52:00.000-07:00

Here are some new pics of my cute little second cousin, Alexia. She is 5 1/2 months old now, and just as cute as a button. She is pictured here with her daddy, my cousin Jordan.

Blowing Up and The Birthday Boy

2005-11-23T11:45:00.000-07:00

I've got to say, I've actually been living a life lately. On the weekends at least. Last weekend was yet another fabulous time. Minus the whole ripping Bedelia's head off in the middle of downtown Denver at 2:30 in the morning. I feel horrible about it and scared myself with how upset and absolutely maniacal I became. She was passed out at Manny's just 20 minutes before and insisted on driving home. I think every other word out of my mouth was a cuss word and I literally tore the keys out of her hand. She was in tears and poor Justin, the drunk birthday boy, was trying to help the situation. I gave up and put the keys in Justin's hands and told him to inform Bedelia not talking to me for a very long time is a good option.

While dropping off Tony (the snoring King... :) ...) Justin called and asked me to come and pick up Bedelia and we would work out a way to get her car to her in the morning. I didn't question it, I was just relieved that I could drive her home. I don't think she will be accepting my apologies anytime soon, but I hope I got my point across. Don't piss me off. I kid. I kid. For some reason drunkeness hits pretty close to home for me... I lived with it for so many years so please, don't try to tell me you are fine when I can tell from a mile away if you've been drinking and had too much.

On a happier note, we went to Sing Sing earlier on Friday and the highlight was Justin jamming out to every song. He was doing a lovely little rendition of 'Shake Your Tail Feather' and I believe Mar Mar caught it on film. As I said earlier, Tony came to join us at Sing Sing and then headed out with us on our trip to Manny's to see Mar's sister and brother-in-law. It was a random experience, especially when Gabe and I took out the dominoes I purchased for Justin and started standing them on edge to make a mind boggling cascade.

Yeah, we're cool.

Bert, Ernie, an Angry Pigeon and a Dirty Bird

2005-11-23T08:31:00.000-07:00

Today is day four of my double work days. I start out at the office around 7:30, leave a little after four to sit in traffic for 30 minutes to go a measly 6 miles to my other jobby job. The Dirty Bird. I'm there from about 4:45 until after eight and then it's off to the other job on Colfax. errr.... I mean back home to the PM Palace. So far the second job thing is going well. I remember why I left in the first place (besides getting an office job). It really is mindless. But I think that's why I like it so much now. It's easy, I get to hang out and chit chat, and most importantly, I get paid. I hope to catch up with my bills by sometime in late 2007.

Enough about work. Let's talk about last Saturday. I made breakfast for the hung over gals and Mar and I went to Northglenn to purchase a new car. Unfortunately, it wasn't for me, but we had fun test driving 'Sully' the Sahara Silver Hyundai Tucson. After spending an enjoyable 5 hours at the dealership, we went back to the PM Palace where I worked out and showered, and Mar kicked it for a bit. We finally got our s*@# together and headed out about niner. We ended up downtown again and I was Cranky Crankerson Mayoress of Crankyville. We went to Croc's which is another Lo-Do's. AKA: a bunch of frat-like boys and slutted out girls in one giant orgy on the dance floor. SCORE! not-so-much. It took well over 10 minutes to even get a drink at the bar and I was getting so frustrated and angry I was almost in tears. If I were a two year old, I would've been having a temper tantrum on the sticky bar floor. Looks like I'm having some anger issues. I'll discuss that with my psychiatrist.

Thankfully, Mar has the patience of an angel and was able to elbow her way up to the bar and got me a beer. I think my main problem was that I'm too short to see over the bar top. I was much happier after I started watching the last period of the Avs game, drank my beer, and people watched. Not too much later, Tony, Nate and Nate's co-workers showed up. We scored a booth next to the dance floor and commenced making fools of ourselves. One of Nate's co-workers, Sarah, thought it would be a good idea to shove me into the middle of a group of guys dancing.(Notice how scared I am in the picture below) She felt bad for about a second until she realized I could hold my own.

The dance floor quickly filled up and it was tough to fight for space. When I was 16, my brother took me to a club downtown and taught me the ways of keeping space on the dance floor. I've used the moves ever since. You start out with elbows bent nonchalantly moving your arms back and forth to the beat. As you supposedly get more into the music, you start more pronounced arm movements, reminiscent of a bird, going forward and back, vs. up and down. When the couple who were practically humping on the dance floor next to me weren't getting the hint, I felt the need to get my bum involved as well. A few elbow jabs and booty bumps still weren't doing the trick. Here is when I brought my legs into the picture. This is the joy that are high-heeled shoes. Arms waving, booty swaying, kicking my legs up behind me and poking the calves of the oppressors just seemed to make them move in closer. I crank it up a notch resembling an angry pigeon, or Bert from Sesame Street doing his pigeon dance, cocking his head back and forth kicking his cotton stuffed legs back and flapping his felt covered arms. The only difference is he had the help of sticks connected to his joints and the assistance of talented puppeteers for his mad moves. I pulled my right quad muscle. The heat was unbearable and the smoke was thick as downtown LA pollution. Coughing, sneezing, wheezing, flapping and kicking, face turning red from the heat, it's a wonder nobody thought I caught the first US version of the bird flu. I finally threw in the towel and headed to cooler grounds.

My partner in crime, Ernie, errr, Mar, stayed to dance a bit while I chilled in the cool night air. Don't be offended by me calling you Ernie, Mar. The reasoning behind it is that Bert and Ernie appear to be life partners, and the only reason why I'm Bert is because of the uni-brow and pigeon dance.

It was decided we move on to the Poor House where one of Nate's friends, Noah's brother works. Now, this Noah is an embarrassment to the male species. I'm sorry guys, I'm sure he has his good points, but rubbing the biz on my leg and getting in my face asking me if he intimidates me is not my version of a potential date. I did enjoy the free drinks from his brother though.

I finally was able to talk (or text as it were) Seth into meeting up with us. He joined us on the upstairs patio of the Poor House where he probably saved my life the first time of many that evening. Apparently I don't have much of a brain filter and I asked a pompous gentleman wearing an original handmade yak wool hat how he was able to breathe what with being so full of shit and all. I seem to recall Seth's arm flying out in front of me to prevent the sucker punch I was about to receive. Ok, that isn't necessarily true. But the guy was sucker punching me with his eyes, and had it been real, or God forbid, had Seth not been there, I definitely would've ended up on the sticky patio floor. (Notice how all floors are sticky? That's because drunk people spill things. Just thought I'd let you know) The plan after that was to go to Noah's brother place which was a few blocks away. As I watched people cramming into a car where I previously saw the driver stumbling to the bathroom 5 minutes earlier, I stayed back and suggested we have someone sober drive us.

Mar drove Tony, Seth and I to drunky drunkerson's brothers place. Standing in a foreign apartment I valiantly fought off Noah's attempts of getting personal. One would think that walking arm-in-arm with another man would trigger nerve synapses in the brain into thinking "Hmm, she must be with him," but no. He's one stubborn mo-fo. Seth and I tried to move closer to the door to make an exit, but people weren't following. Standing by the door, I kept playing with the broken bracelet in my pocket that I'm to fix for Mar's sister Maria. She broke it at Manny's the night before. I felt awful that Seth came out all this way to go to some person's studio apartment in Randomville to stand around a bunch of people he doesn't know. I didn't know anyone either, but I at least didn't pay for a cab ride out there. We amuse ourselves, and others at the party it seemed, by making letters of the alphabet by bending our bodies into positions the human form is rarely seen.

We are greeted again by Noah who proceeds to ask if Seth and I are married. Simultaniously we answer, "yes, yes we are." I guess we couldn't resist the chance to mess with the drunk kid's mind. Mean? Maybe. Fun? Definitely. Seth replies, "she has my testicles in her pocket." And I pick the two largest jewels I happened to have in my pocket and hold out my palm to show him that I do, in fact, have Seth's family jewels in my pocket. It was priceless.

The night finally came to an end as we left everyone at the party and Mar and I drove Seth home. The lonesome twosome get to the Palace around 4 and decide to indulge in a turkey bacon booster. As Mar and a lay on the palette (pictured here) in front of the TV , taking a bite of bacon, I turn to her and sum up the evening in one sentence:

"See? We still ended the night getting some meat!"

'Why aren't you married yet?'

2005-11-22T08:24:00.000-07:00

A common conversation I've been having lately usually starts with, "Are you excited for Thanksgiving?" and immediately my stomach churns. I love my family and anybody who knows me understands how kooky we all are. But one major topic for my family, as it is with many of yours I'm sure, is "Why are you still single?" Gee Grandma, if I knew that, we probably wouldn't be having this conversation would we?

I'm preparing myself and beefing up my backbone for the get together this Thursday at my cousin's house. I have two older cousins and a brother who are married and two younger cousins who are in serious relationships (DISCLAIMER: this is based on early information, this may not be true as of today, but it's helping me to get my point across here) If ever I brought someone to a family gathering it's been an old roommate, and to tell you the truth, I don't think my family even knew that. For all they know I could be batting for the home team. The one time I did bring a boyfriend to a family gathering was my college graduation. What a nightmare THAT was. My own grandfather called me a sexpot and told my boyfriend he must've been one lucky dude. Yeah. Sick. Needless to say, I didn't bring anyone around much after that, or talk to Grumps for about a year. Then I realized he's old and senile and got over it quickly.

To deflect the 'Why aren't you married yet," question, I've used the following quips to this intrepid question:

"I'd have to let him out from under the bed to do that." (For those of you that have seen my bed, you can understand how this might be very uncomfortable for the inflexible male form)
"Apparently belching and farting in public are turn offs."
"He's currently dating Kate Bosworth."

I've found a great article that I feel you should read, whether you're single or not, on ways to defer this embittered question. It offers a few good laughs either way. Check it out if you like, but I'm giving you the best replies here:

"I look at marriage as an old-fashioned, patrician, indentured-slave practice that imprisons people in a backbreaking, emotionally bereft sinkhole."
-Mike O’Malley, star of the CBS series Yes, Dear

"Because the doctor tells me that I get enough nagging from my mom."
"Because a couple of years ago I got a great deal on a 50 pound box of condoms, and I want to get my money’s worth."
"One thing at a time. Let me get the sex change first."
"Have you seen me naked?"
-Brian McCann, writer for Late Night with Conan O’Brien

Wish me luck, or just lots of wine.

O' Christmas Tree (vs. the Festivus Pole)

2005-11-20T09:17:00.000-07:00

Bells will ring, are you listening? In the lane, snow is glistening. Yada yada yada.

This year we decided to put up the Christmas tree before Thanksgiving. Why put off the joy that environmentally unfriendly plastic pine trees covered in gaudy obnoxious bobbles and eye piercing lights can bring? You know what I just realized after that last sentence? Christmas trees and rich old ladies have a lot in common.

1. They both can be full of plastic
2. The good ones are accompanied by many presents
3. They are adorned in bling
4. Sometimes it hurts your eyes to stare at them too long
5. If they are real, they smell up the room and leave a giant mess when you toss them

On another completely sane note, I was informed by Mar that I now have a 'grown up' tree. I believe this is because when we used to live together, we had a Festivus pole. After all, Festivus is for the rest of us. This pole was wrapped in dusty plastic plant vines, adorned with Mardi gras beads, army men, multi-colored lights and handmade Styrofoam ornaments covered in glitter. The kicker was the rainbow striped glittered Styrofoam star that stood precariously atop the lilting pole. We aptly named it the 'sexually confused, cross-gendered, ghetto-fabulous Festivus fiesta. Around it we would commence the annual airing of grievances and leg wrestling matches. I don't believe I ever won.

Alas, I again am showing my age (in addition to the aching knees, etc.) with a 'grown up' tree that is socially accepted as how a Christmas tree should look.

Damn the man, but damn I'm proud.

Weekend Novella

2005-11-17T14:56:00.000-07:00

Have no fear, I’m finally back to update you on the joy of last weekend. I would’ve done it sooner, but I’ve actually been working at work… Go figure. As I said earlier, I was woken up bright and early by one Pea Funk Diddy. As we both took turns on the couch playing spider solitaire, drinking coffee, listening to sad and lonely music and getting ready, I got a call from Mar to meet over at Jamis’ casa. After Funk FINALLY got her hair just right, we made it over and the group was anxiously waiting outside for our arrival. Well, they weren’t that excited to see US, they just wanted to get to the stadium and begin the drunken debauchery.

We get to the parking field (I say ‘field’ because it is just that: a dusty weeded field.) and parked in a way to somehow funnel the gale force winds in our direction. I don’t know what kind of science was in effect here, but I have a feeling it was sent directly from San Diego to aid in the embarrassing loss CSU endured.

I surprisingly was feeling a bit tired and decided to take a nap in the bed of the truck. (The Narcoleptic is always out in force) Thanks to Nicole who kept checking on me to make sure I hadn’t fallen unconscious from the concussion or accidentally ingested a peanut from the Chex mix. Ducking down in the bed, I was protected from the wind and was able to warm up whenever the sun peaked around a cloud. I kept trying to sleep but found myself oddly awake when all the girls left me to fend off the beer by myself. While they were gone I learned how to ‘shotgun’ a beer. It was then my feelings were confirmed that I never lived in college. Steve has an excellent video of me doing my second, more successful gunning that Marlena artfully videoed. Again, reason number 528 I can never run for office. But then again, look what the Dub has in his colorful past. I guess I can never say never.

APOLOGY NUMBER ONE: Dearest Patch, I’m very sorry we kept missing paths. It was poor communication on all parts, but you luckily only spent $10 whereas I tossed $35 into the wind to miss every single play in the first half, only to go home for the second half.

APOLOGY NUMBER TWO: My sweet, sweet Marlena, AKA ‘LP,’ I’m sorry that I feel the need to start fights. You are the smallest one and as my old roommates can attest to, the smallest one is automatically the one that takes the beatings and is the butt of all jokes. I guess you can call it repressed anger. I’m working it out with my psychiatrist.

APOLOGY NUMBER THREE: My cupcake, my pin cushion Seth, I apologize for giving you frost bite on your back, but as I’m often told, I am a cold and frigid woman. “Tushy squeeze!”(s), although one sided, also kept me from passing out in the negative 50 degree F7 gale force winds. Thanks for the thrill.

We headed home during half time and had the joy of getting stuck in traffic. Jamis and I thought it would be a great idea to sit in the bed of the truck on the way home, to get a better view of the tornados that were going to come our way. We kept warm in sleeping bags and squeezed in next to the grill, cooler and other baked goods. The traffic caused Nicole to brake quickly and Jamis slid into me and together we slammed into the back of the cab of the truck. I was folded backwards much like being close lined from behind by the grill. Not being able to move for a few moments, I knew that was going to leave a mark. And boy did it ever. A nice 12inch long one inch thick bruise arose across my back. It helps to balance out the greenish bruise on my forehead. I also have been finding random bruises on my legs, thighs and arms. I have a feeling those have to do with apology two.

We finally get back to J & N’s place where we made a palette on the floor. A palette, for those who are missing out, is a spot on the floor, generally in between the couch and the TV, filled with blankets, sleeping bags, pillows, and the occasional sprawled body. I enjoyed a fabulous back massage from a genuine masseuse who also doubled as a warming mechanism. LOVELY! During this whole time, Jamis is passed out in his room after having won the ‘cup,’ ie: he vomited. That’s right. “Adults” between the ages of 25 and 30 have a cup and Jamis is the current holder.

ALL TIME BEST QUOTE: “Somewhere between sober and not sober, I threw up.” – Jamis’ answer to the question, ‘what happened today?’

After much lazy time on the floor and two movies, we decided to go back out. I was cranky, tired (surprise) and hungry, so we went to Old Chicago’s to get some food and meet up with somebody’s friends. As I was at the bar trying to order food, the guy next to me taps me on the shoulder and says, “My buddy here (thumbing towards his friend in the barstool beside him) hates you.”

Uh buh WHAT?

Stunned by what I just heard, I looked around to see if anyone else witnessed what just happened. Being the cranky and hungry person that I was, I promptly replied, “well tell your friend go F#@* himself,” and walked away. Long story longer, turns out that Jeremy knew the ‘hater’ and I went over and talked to him after the fact. He had no idea his buddy said what he did and punched him accordingly.

Patch, Jer, Funk and Russ met up with us at Old C’s, and in true Poot style, I left them to go next door to the Drunken Monkey. I feel terrible, but it's hard when there are different groups going out at once! I had to wait in line at the DM for 20 minutes while I could see my friends inside a half empty bar. I tried to not complain, but seriously Monkies! They just wanted to make a few extra bucks by telling people we could get in right away if we went to the VIP room. Like I can afford an entire bottle of liquor for myself. I finally made my way in and was two fisting waters like there was no tomorrow. Mar and I of course danced to our hearts desire and even got a few people in to join us. It was only 10:30 when we decided to leave and go to bed.

I recall watching “Skeleton Key” but it was hard to hear because of Tony’s incessant snoring. The man can register on the Richter scale. I thought he moved into the bedroom in the middle of the night his snoring was so loud. I’m sorry dude, but you should really get that checked out. But props for giving me 3 asthma attacks in one night from laughing. People usually have to know me a lot longer before they are able to do that.

And speaking of laughing, Sunday was a hoot in itself. I think this is something that can only be appreciated by Patch, Pea and I. I have never been so sore from laughing that much. I can tell you this: my pillow still smells like guacamole and I can never look at guacamole in the same way ever again without thinking of Patch and certain body parts. Enough said.

I know I’m leaving parts out, but I don’t think my blog can hold this much information in one entry. I can only hope to relive these escapades at least once a year. My life will be fulfilled.

OW

2005-11-14T16:09:00.000-07:00

What would a weekend in Fort Collins be without physical pain? I'm still hurting. Friday night came after a big day, (see the entry titled "Triumphant") and thankfully I took the camera with me to remember the parts that were blocked out.

After the hike I met up with Sarah and we got ready to go out and realized it looked like we were going out on a date. With each other. But we split the bill, so I guess you could say we just went Dutch. We went over to pick up the boys and Patch was the only brave soul to join us. My new shoes that I purchased Thursday night were strangling my feet like a boa constrictor around its prey, so I hopped a ride on Patch's back. See picture below. Thank you very much Pea for the flattering picture. I know, I didn't have to post it, but frankly, advertising my humiliation proves to be cathartic. (By the way, I just looked up cathatic in the dictionary because I'm that much of a nerd, ca·thar·tic: having purgative effect on bowels used to describe a medicine that causes emptying of the bowels)

We went to Stake Out with the intent of playing shuffle board because that is the game of choice for those that have bad backs and walk with a limp, ie: US. However, some hooligans beat us to the board and I was lucky enough to find an open pool table. I was able to win two games, one against Pea and one against Patch believe it or not. So what if he accidentally hit the eight ball into the pocket? It's in the rules so I won. Cheaply, but I won.

It was barely 11 o'clock when we decided to call it a night and head to the LQ and of course make a Q-Doba run. Here is where the pain comes in. One might think, "well duh, Annie, if you eat a whole Q-Doba burrito after consuming double vodka tonics, you would be in pain." No no friends. I hammered that baby right down. It was the fight with the coffee table that finally caused my demise. OK, it was actually a fight with Patch who then pulled me off of the couch so the upper right side of my forehead struck the corner of a solid Mahogany coffee table. As I lay on the floor for what I was told a good 10 minutes, I enjoyed looking at the pretty twinkling stars that were swirling my head and wished I hadn't climbed a mountain earlier in the day. Funny, it seemed like a good idea at the time. The next morning rolled around way too early (because Pea was up and prancing at 8 am) It wasn't until I looked in the mirror and saw the goose egg that grew on my head overnight that I remembered what happened. After drinking a gallon of water and taking the necessary acetominophen, it was off to the CSU-San Diego Game at 10 am for tail-gaiting. I think Saturday deserves an entry unto itself.

Triumphant

2005-11-14T11:38:00.000-07:00

It only took seven and a half years, but I finally climbed to the top of the Tooth! I went up on Friday and took a solo 6 mile hike. It was incredible.

When climbing to the top of the tooth on the north side, the view is concealed by large rocks (go figure) until you get to a little crevasse (where the tooth meets the gum) and you have to change directions and climb up the western facing side of the tooth. As soon as I reached this crevasse, my breath was taken away and i literally started crying. (because I'm a tool) The view is amazing and the camera doesn't do it justice. You look over the valley and the small town of Mason that is hidden behind the western side of the mountain. The road down there takes you through rolling hills and magnificent views of surrounding mountains.

After taking a moment to calm down and put the camera away, I put on my climbing shoes (metaphorically speaking) and climbed up the jagged side of the tooth. Getting to the top was both exciting and scary as I looked down on birds flying in the valley below. I could've sat up there forever, but weather was starting to blow in so being the logical person I am, I headed back down.

Thanks to whoever invented self timers on cameras otherwise I wouldn't be able to catch these beauties on film... Here's something fun to do: download both the pictures of me on the rocks and the picture below it. Then you can toggle back and forth between the two and watch me disappear and reappear JUST LIKE MAGIC. Thanks goes to Pea Funk for that glorious idea.

Riverside Park

2005-11-10T09:41:00.000-07:00

This was us last Sunday walking around downtown. The original plan was to go to Wash Park, but I wanted to get Dave Chapelle tickets at the Comedy Works. We get downtown and the line to get tix is wrapping around Larimer. So much for that. I wasn't going to be waiting in line by myself, as much fun as it sounded.

So we opted to hike around Riverside Park. The townhomes and apartment complexes down there are beautiful. I wouldn't mind giving my left papa toe to live there. I have a feeling I'd have to give an arm and a leg for that to happen though. The architecture is wonderful and the set up reminds me a lot of Vancouver (hence why I'd like to live there).

How cute is my mom? Always getting into the action. My poor parents have had to put up with us making them pose for corny shots for so long. Gotta love 'em.

This is the reason why I hate squirrels. It's people like these that feed the vermon so they aren't scared of humans. Then when you don't feed them they run up your leg and start clawing at your hands. It still made for a good picture though.

Surprise! More Puppy pics.

2005-11-10T09:26:00.000-07:00

Shocker, I have more photos of my family and the dogs. I swear it's like having a baby with all the hokey picture taking and such. I cannot wait until these guys are full grown. I'm going to be dog napping them when I go camping and hiking. Who knows, maybe I'll teach them how to fetch the water fowl I hunt. These pics were taken at the Highlands Ranch Town Center off Lucent. They have this corny autumnal display in the parking lot. How very yuppie.

"What, I'm not doing anything wrong!"

Cheesy Calendar Doggy... I'm thinking I should PhotoShop out the background. WOW I'm a nerd.

Proud parents.

Props to Paradox

2005-11-08T13:49:00.000-07:00

The only way I can say this sounds so corny. I'm so happy for my good friend who has completed his CD and is getting it produced, printed, etc. I guess if you really want something bad enough, you can do anything. Many of the inspirations for his songs come from his years spent in Belize teaching children. He helped support the town by bringing in money, food, religion, etc. I have no doubt he learned more than he taught the children down there. Anyway, he sent me the mock-up of the cd cover of which he asked me to lend my hand in designing. My jagged drawing is included on the cover and was cleverly made to look impressive by the help of his buddy and PhotoShop no doubt. I don't mean to toot my own horn, but beep f*#@in' beep.

Oh no he just did NOT

2005-11-07T11:50:00.000-07:00

Hello again from the land of Poof. Believe it or not, I don't actually have pictures to post today. Well, I do, but they are still on the camera and I have yet to get them on the computer.

Anyway, once again, it was a great weekend. I hung out with the usual crowd, met yet another doofus of a guy, and spent an entire day on the couch or the floor. I left work about half an hour early on Friday so i could get a jump start on running smack into the middle of rush hour. It surprisingly only took me an hour and a half to get to Longmont where I met Mar Mar and transferred my belongings to her car so she could drive the rest of the way to the Fort. We've come to the conclusion that we get cranky when we are hungry and need to plan accordingly. Don't ask questions, just know this for future times if we do run into each other when I'm in a state of hunger. Proceed caustiously.

We get up to Nic's place and gather the gals to head to Old Town. There was a line at the Rio and it would've taken a mere hour and a half to get a table, so we headed over to Old Chicago's and sat in the bar. No smoking in bars is the greatest thing in the world. By 8:30 I was already tipsy and ready for a nap. We made our way out and ran into Mar's oldest brother in front of 'The Drunken Monkey' where they have swings as bar stools and Love Sacs secluded in mosquito netting. Sitting at the bar, we were approached by a guy shorter than me who tried boasting about how he was from New York City. Yeah, like us little hick country chicks will throw ourselves at the big city man from the big apple. After getting motion sick from the swings, we headed over to Tony's.

LESSON OF THE WEEK: Just because a bar is having a special on drinks does NOT mean it's especially tasty. It's just the opposite in fact. Dole out the extra dollar for the good stuff.

Once we decided to go cleanse our palettes of the horror we just consumed, we headed over to Zydeco's to get our groove on. We go to the dance floor and low and behold, who do I find but none other than the 3-foot-tall Drunken Monkey. The boy proceeds to show off his mad dance skills and seize in the middle of the circle we created on the floor. He calls it Hip-Hop. After I recovered from the kick to chest he gave me while doing what I think was a "Flying 'Y,'" he got right in my face and said, what do you think of that. I just looked at him in disbelief. Poor little guy had no idea I know what Hip Hop is SUPPOSED to look like. I told him I was hard to impress and he replied, "I guess I'm just to hardcore for you guys," smacked my butt, kissed my cheek and walked away. Oh boy did the girls have to hold me back from kicking the little guy in the nuts.

After that, we left and went to the Trailhead and finished the night off playing pool. Me and Patch against Mar and Nick. And yes, we won both games. :)

Saturday was a lazy day, I had the most incredible gourmet pizza in Berthoud from John Doughs, then went home to bed at 8. Sunday I spent the day with the rents and the little poos walking around down town.

I got my old job back at the RR so I can afford my medical bills. I start back working evenings Nov. 18th. When it comes to Red Robin, you can run, but you can't hide.

My Living Nightmare

2005-11-04T10:09:00.000-07:00

Frickin' Sweet

2005-11-03T12:56:00.000-07:00

Don't know who these crazy kids are, but I'm loving it.

Sweet Mother of Pearl

2005-11-03T08:54:00.000-07:00

"Fat guy in a little coaatttt..." This picture of Jordan and I cracks me up. I think my brother should put this on his company's website because Jordan is obviously representin' tha GSP fabulously. This pic was taken at the Jamiroquai concert at the Fillmore Auditorium on Tuesday. I appologize to everyone I drunk called and/or accidentally called. If I ever thought my ex never wanted to speak to me again, I couldn't be more right than I am now.

This is an homage to Patch's Halloween costume. We all know how much he loves to dress up (remember Kip from my Dynamite party?) and how well he can pull it off. I'm not sure how much time he spent actually making this costume, but I do know that he had been planning it for a long time. Needless to say he won the grand prize at a costume contest on Monday: A brand-spankin' new snowboard. Looks like he's gonna have to learn how now!

A few more pics from Halloween

2005-11-03T08:49:00.000-07:00

Ode to Bro

2005-11-01T13:23:00.000-07:00

Agile as a dancer, BUILT LIKE A TANK
I made this beauty (the t-shirt that is, not the dude) based off of a sign we found at the Denver Zoo. It was posted in front of the Black Rhino's digs. I about peed myself when I saw it, and the first thing I thought was, "wow, how did you get an exclusive place at the zoo Bro? You don't even live in this country?!" Then my next obvious thought was, "What a great t-shirt this would make." And boy was I right.

So I couldn't hurt his feelings and not put a nice picture of him up. This is one of my favorite new headshots he recently had done. What a handsome boy.

Oy Vey

2005-10-31T13:13:00.000-07:00

What a great weekend I had after my chock full o'crap week. I went up to the Fort on Friday night and met up with Kim and her friends and we all dressed up in our costumes and headed out to the bars. Kim and I's original plan was for her to be a handyman and I was going to be the Handyman's best friend: duct tape. Our costumes ended up taking a life of their own and I ended up skanking myself out (in my opinion). However, I shouldn't feel bad because my clothing covered 80% more of my body than most of the hookers out at the bars. Jessica Simpson has single handedly led the slut-out revolution among American females. And I'm sure the men of America don't mind a bit.

We spent the whole night at Tony's (notorious frat bar) and I was paranoid that I would be the oldest one there. I was very close to eldest, but then ended up talking to this guy that was in school when I was. When I asked him what he did, he replied he was an architect. I started laughing and asked if he worked for Vandalay Industries. Then he actually replied no, he wasn't a latex salesman. Score one for the dorky guy. (We just quoted many a Seinfeld episode for those who are lost). Then he started sharing how he was going to be on TV this week. He asked if I ever watched HGTV. Uh, YEAH! Only the coolest people watch HGTV. Apparently he won Landscapers Challenge and sweared he would call me when it was on. I think that ranks as the most original pick up line I've ever gotten. It was also the first time I ever shared digits at a bar.

Saturday I was beat from the late night I had just had and the 3 am Q-Doba run. (Thanks Matt for the free burrito. You're great.) After a long rest back at the Palace, Mar Mar came down and we went to RR to eat. Turns out everyone that worked there was going next door to Boston's for a costume party. Mar and I went home and put on our costumes, and I made Bedelia's costume in minutes flat. Her torch is duct tape (surprise) and the bible is an InStyle Magazine.

What would a night out be without a high school reunion. I ended up running into this guy I went to middle and high school with, and had the joy of seeing the POS Depot Dave with his skank-o-the evening. The guy had the nerve to call me the night before at 10 to see what was up for the evening. Stupid me for even answering the phone, but I told him I was already going out and thanks for letting me be the last desperate attempt at finding something to do. But really, I'm fine. Mar Mar did a good job of keeping me out of view and moving between us on the dance floor and such. And speaking of Mar, she was dressed up as a bad ass gangsta, just by luck she had it in the trunk of her car. Really, who carries around a fake tommy gun, Michael Jackson esque hat and pin striped suit?! Oh that's right, Marlena. We made our appearances, danced a bit, then headed home to crash on the floor until Sunday evening. We barely moved if even to go to the bathroom. I love Sundays. Football, laziness, and fattening baked goods. What could be better?

The Tooth

2005-10-30T14:07:00.000-07:00

A serene pic I took of Patch

Smit Kit....

Eat my shoe.

Props to Mar for the fabulous photo abilities.

More Tacky Pics

2005-10-30T13:51:00.000-07:00

Name: Marlena
Age: dirt
Likes: Talking about poop, idiot soccer players and VHS tapes
Dislikes: OCD, the newest Coors commercial and the Chiefs
To date her, please e-mail hotpuertoricanmama@yourmom'shouse.com.

Russ loves to be serenaded by Patch

Pea is the bestest GULLLLfriend ever.

Sing it Mullet Matt. notice the bulge in his pants. Never wear those socks again dude.

Little Poo

2005-10-26T09:17:00.000-07:00

He's not so little anymore. Our little boy is growing up! Or out is more like it. He's so fluffy! And I will hug him and squeeze him and love him forever.

Love Muffins

2005-10-20T09:11:00.000-07:00

Sunny is all sorts of bendy. Here he is sticking em' up as Kula steals his food.

Cute little Kula. Actually, he's not so little anymore. He's already 12 pounds, which is 2 more than Sunny.

Sunny's headshot for his modeling gigs... His background is Kim's comfy skirt which just brings out his lovely complexion...

Kula's headshot... Probably one of the only pictures where you can actually see his black little eyes and nose on his black little face.

A dog after my own heart. He lays down with both paws in his food dish and eats before completely passing out in the bowl.

Tofino Dreaming

2005-10-20T08:56:00.000-07:00

Kelsey and Alex enjoying the special table end cutouts on this awesome bench. If we could've tossed it in Snoopy, we would've taken it back to the city.

The only way Alex will ever get clean....

OK kids, can you show me where Jo is in this picture? Hint: she's wearing grey pants...

This outgoing bugger was more than happy to see us. Or maybe not. He thought we were all crazy as his mother. Those were his words, not mine.

Time for a Rant and a Rave

2005-10-18T14:48:00.000-07:00

There is no way to put this gently or warm you up to the point I want to make, so I'm going to slap it down smack in front of you on a silver platter. Just because you claim to be a gay man, it does not give you the right to grab, grope, or knead me on the dance floor.

I guess it goes without saying that I was the gropee last weekend and although he claims to enjoy the male of the species, I still felt violated. Wondering if I was total prude, I asked my girl friends about it, and thankfully they agreed with me. He loves the gropage of human mammory glands, and it makes them uncomfortable too.

Is it possible for a gay man to be in the closet about being straight? If you're confused about your sexuality, fine. Then come to terms with being confused. You decided you're Bi? GREAT! You really are straight? Sweet. Just because you know which road you're on, it doesn't give you the automatic green light to rub your biz up against my leg. All I'm asking for a little respect here boys. You know, that lost art of chivalry?

I feel this epidemic is catching on. There is an underground group of men (think a flock of George Costanzas) that are claiming to be gay just so they can be with a chick they dig and be like, "Hey baby, it's cool, we can share a dressing room together, I'm gay," or, "Of course your boobs look perky. But let me just feel them to make sure. It's ok, after all, I'm gay!" They have their own meetings in sketchy downtown lofts choc-a-bloc full of lava lamps, waterbeds and a shower that sprays an even coat of baby oil on the user.

So it comes down to this simple plea: Men, the next time you're out on the dance floor and looking to get cozy with someone, whatever sex that may be, make sure to ask if you can place your biz on their pant leg before doing so. Thanks.

Tacky Prom Party

2005-10-18T14:18:00.000-07:00

The really scary thing about this picture is that the mullet completely matches her real hair color and length. I think she was born 10 years too late.

Cheesy prom pic number one. Does it look like Patch is a molester? Good, because that is what he was going for. I feel he enjoys the mullet a bit too much. It's hidden behind my fabulous get up, but he is wearing a purple sash announcing that he is, in fact, the King of the ball.

I believe this picture speaks for itself. Let it be known that Russ did this to himself.

The P-Funk enjoying the fake snow while wearing her new scarf, made with love by the Suz. Please notice the infamous 'elf face' she is sporting. It needn't be mentioned she is drunk as a skunk in this pic too. But I mentioned it anyway.

This scary pic is of the three hottest chicks in Fort Collins (at least on Saturday night). Funk's sash says, "Sr. Attendant," which was once worn by one of Mar Mar's brothers back in the 80s. This was the greatest Tacky Prom Party I've ever attended. I was punked out with spikey hair, black eyes and fish net stockings. Although the combination of the tie and white button down shirt (both care of Mar Mar's dad) made me look like I was a server at the Macaroni Grill. Care for some more bread sticks?

Gazers

2005-10-18T14:15:00.000-07:00

Here we are searching for answers in the wind. Unfortunately, it wasn't blowing so we sure didn't find any. Still makes for a great pic.

Go Climb a Tree

2005-10-18T14:07:00.000-07:00

Here are Patch and I at the top of Horsetooth in Fort Collins. Well actually, we were in the lesser known "Tartar Gap" located just below the gumline of the ol' steed... There stood alone an old twisted tree which I had to climb. This is probably my favorite picture ever taken by Mar Mar with Patch's camera.

Football Party

2005-10-04T15:46:00.000-07:00

These are embarassing pics taken during the CSU - CU game the beginning of September. It's because I allow pictures like these to be taken that I can never run for office. Ah well, they offer good entertainment.

More Dynamite Pics

2005-10-04T15:43:00.000-07:00

Dynamite Party!

2005-10-04T15:39:00.000-07:00

Casa Bonita

2005-10-01T10:14:00.000-07:00

For Matt's 29th birthday he thought, "what's better than going to an old childhood playland for my 29th birthday?" I think he is in denial that he is getting older. Casa Bonita is a combination of waiting in line for a ride at Disneyland (think Mr. Toad's Wild Ride) with the smell of Las Vegas. You seriously go through the worlds longest line as if you were in a grade school cafeteria with better cheesy ambiance. Then you finally get to your table and eat the grade D food (as in fit for Dogs) and if for some reason you want more, you raise the little red flag that is placed in the center of every table.

A common phrase you hear every Coloradoan say is, "The food is terrible, but the entertainment is great." I think people have been living in boxes if they call that quality entertainment. My high school drama class was better at acting than these guys. They have cliff divers that "dare to jump from heights so high..." Yeah. It was a 16-year-old doing cannonballs off the fake plastic rocks around the pool. Where did the quality go?! I'd like to say that after so many years they just don't care about the quality of their actors and such, but I'm afraid the truth is I'm getting old. NO! I didn't sign up for this!

But complaining aside, it was a riot. It was so over the top and I think the best part was that youngest in our group was maybe 19-years-old. All 11 of us fit into the arcade part that was recently added and played enough Skeeball to earn us all tiaras. We all tried to fit through Black Beard's cave which seemed so scary years ago. Matt bought Simon a magic laser wand that lit up and spun around while making sounds. He led the way through the dark scary depths of Black Beard's cave that conveniently let out in front of the gift shop. As we finally had our fill of horrible "Mexican" food and dank smell of old plastic and sweaty children, we headed out. I think it's an experience that every Coloradoan must endure and pass on to all who visit our lovely state.

MUNCHKINS!!!

2005-09-30T19:41:00.000-07:00

Sunny and Kula

2005-09-27T09:19:00.000-07:00

How cute are these little guys?!?! These are the latest additions to my parents' house. They adopted these adorable standard poodle puppies on Saturday, and it's been love ever since. They met baby Stew last night and what a romper room it was. After the first half hour of Stewie doing the 'domination dance,' he finally calmed down and let the puppies play nicely with him. The cream one is Sunny and the black one is Kula, named after a little town in Maui where my auntie lives. Yes, my parents are hippies, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

So far Sunny truly follows his name. He doesn't really cry when it's time to go to bed, he hangs out and doesn't bite much, and is so loving. Kula is the smartest of the two but uses it as his secret weapon. He's fiesty and loves to bite with his needle sharp teeth. He learns quickly though. He loves to do his own thing, and didn't like playing with Stewie much. He likes to nip at the back legs of Sunny and Stewie, and even though he is the smallest out of the three, he can hold his own. We definitely relate.

Give me some of your tots.

2005-09-26T07:58:00.000-07:00

You wouldn't think by looking at them, but tater tots are painful. Especially when crammed up ones nose or other orifices.

My Napoleon Dynamite party was killer based on the fact it ended with flinging tater tots across the living room and bodies squished underneath the bed. About half the party dressed up, including Patch who was the secret body double of Kip. It was on the verge of creepy, but oh my GOD was it good. Rex Kwon Do made an appearance, stuffed sock and all. I was hoping Lafawnduh would show up too, but no such luck. The girls all had a lovely shade of blue eye-shadow and those with long hair sported the side ponytail. I was very happy that M-lo and I were able to find a llama look-alike pinata at Wal-mart, and we got a sweet discount on it... half off because the front knee seemed to have been skinned. It appears Tina did too much horsing around after hours I guess.

I am extremely sore from the games of Twister we played. If you are quadruple jointed like Chase, you can easily win. However, if you're short and stubby wearing a skirt like this girl here, chances are pretty good you'll end up with a crick in the neck and a stabbing pain starting in your right butt cheek shooting all the way down the back of your leg.

I didn't expect any gifts, but was happily surprised with quite a few. Very thoughtful ones too. Thanks everybody! The gifts included such things as: fancy pilsner glasses, petroleum jelly, Twister, a six pack of Easy Street, a pleasure pack of Durex, a bottle of grey goose, a jump rope, knitting supplies, a handmade ironed-on t-shirt complete with an iron burn, a sweet 'Onion' desk calendar, a Napoleon Dynamite sound board keychain, and a "STOP, Jesus' room, Do Not Enter" sign. You guys know me so well.

Illustration Friday - Depth

2005-09-15T09:15:00.000-07:00

This is a photo I took up on Mount Sherman (a 14,000+ foot peak in Colorado). They used to mine up on this mountain and the blustering wind and cold was incredible. Time sure made for a great picture though. I fixed it up a bit in PhotoShop.

Make your own allusions to depth for this one...

I Despise Cautious Optimism

2005-09-15T07:45:00.000-07:00

"Cautiously Optimistic”

My least favorite phrase in the entire world. The phrase cancels itself out. The whole point of being optimistic is to positively view the upcoming situation. To be cautious would completely negate the purpose of being optimistic. It’s a quazi-oxymoron that never should’ve been invented in the first place.

A Killer Party

2005-09-09T08:56:00.000-07:00

Illustration Friday - Roots

2005-09-02T08:19:00.000-07:00

What a perfect word for my first entry for Illustration Friday. My dear friend Matt asked me to draw something with deep roots for his album cover, and here is my doodle.